Reasons Why I’m Going To Have Sex With You
I’m going to have sex with you because my body is telling me to. It’s reacting positively to the sight of your face and body and it’s telling me it wants to see more. I mean, I really don’t have much of a say in this at all. It’s not personal. It’s just an erection.
I’m going to have sex with you because I need to feel good about myself today. I need to know that I’m attractive and desirable and real life people want to sleep me because I’m a powerful ~~~gOdDess~~~. If I want it, I can go get it just like I do with everything else. Think about it for a second. Is there really such a huge difference between going out and getting a fourth meal at Taco Bell because you’re hungry, and having your fourth meal be a person because you’re horny? Don’t answer that.
I’m going to have sex with you because I haven’t tortured myself enough today. I just need a little bit more before I can reach my quota and be satisfied. I’m going to enjoy having the dull conversation one has right before they jump each other’s bones. I find the absolute indifference we feel for one another when we’re not having sex to be alternately fascinating and depressing. How could I want nothing to do with you in the middle of the day and want all of you at midnight? The second you get out of bed, you stop making sense to me. In bed, you’re 1 + 1 = 2. Outside of it, you’re 1 + 1 = no fun. When you put your clothes back on, you might as well be speaking Greek to me. I only understand you when you’re naked. Can you just be naked all the time?
I’m going to have sex with you because I’m missing something and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe I miss home, maybe I miss California, maybe I miss college, maybe I miss Taco Tuesdays, maybe I miss the springtime, maybe I miss my ex-boyfriend, maybe I miss my dog. It could be anything really. I just feel a little empty dot inside and was wondering if your penis should fill it. Maybe by sleeping with you, the dot will be filled up and I won’t miss anything anymore.
I’m going to have sex with you because it’s a bad idea. We’re very good friends and I’ve been taught that sex would screw that up. But I think I need to find that out for myself. I’m going to have sex with you to find out if I can handle certain things, if I’m able to preserve sex in a little corner of my brain that’s separate from our friendship. Consider this to be like research. It’s informational sex. The Types Of Sex I May Or May Not Be Able To Handle: Part One. Taught by myself and my sex partner.
I’m going to have sex with you because you’re much older than me. Or maybe you’re much younger. Maybe I’m going to have sex with you because you have big muscles and I don’t. Maybe I’m going to have sex with you because you’re black and I’m white. Maybe I’m going to have sex with you because your body is so different than mine and I want to experience something completely foreign. I want to see and touch something I don’t have. You’re the other. I’m othering you!
I’m going to have sex with you because you have money and can give me a nice life and make me happy in really small ways. I’m having sex with you because you’re wearing Gucci loafers and I want Gucci anything. Gimme Gucci.
I’m going to have sex with you because I love you, because I know your body so well and it feels so nice and familiar. I guess that’s a relatively boring reason to have sex with someone, isn’t it? Love. Ha! There are so many reasons why people choose to have sex with someone. It’s scary how many of them involve self-serving agendas and how few involve feelings of actual love.
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If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.