How To Never Get Over Your Ex
Be the type of person who holds on to things. Whether it’s a 2005 issue of Us Weekly, a torn birthday card, or an ex from a long time ago, you give CPR to things that have long since decayed. It makes you feel safe and allows you to live in the past.
Get your heart broken by someone you adored, someone you were obsessed with. They fell out of love with you though, as people are apt to do, and you were just left there lying in bed trying to hold on to someone who had already walked out the door.
Grieve. Have your friends be there for you as you recount your entire relationship. Take solace in knowing that you are allowed to do these things, you’re supposed to be devastated and a tad obsessive. You’re supposed to bring up their name constantly and see their face in the clouds. I mean, your friends will be really annoyed with you but they will understand. This behavior is straight out of Break Up 101. You’re fine!
Watch time pass and nothing changes. Start to get nervous and feel like you’re running behind on your grieving process. You shouldn’t still be seeing their face in the clouds or feeling nauseous when drive past their house. Start to panic.
Keep your feelings to yourself. No longer go to your friends for their love and support because they’ve already put their time in. Silently obsess over your ex and shame so hard about it. Watch them move on and get into another relationship while you’re still looking at old photo albums and crying.
This isn’t fair. No one told you it would take this long. You thought you could eat some ice cream, watch some rom-coms, cry and be over it. Nope. No such luck. Watch your friends go through their own break ups and compare yourself to them. Figure that they’re still upset and it’s been awhile so you must be fine. People do this all the time. It takes time to really get over someone, right?
Get a sick pleasure of still not being over your ex. Find comfort in keeping the memory alive but then also feel completely pathetic. As long as you still mourn the relationship, it’s still alive in some way, right?
Sincerely wonder if you’ll ever get over it. Feel like you’ve been lied to by the media and your friends. People are supposed to just fall in and out of love and move on like it ain’t no thing. You don’t believe that this is true anymore.
Get into a new relationship and fall in love again. Think for sure that this will kill your ex. They can’t go up against a new relationship. Impossible! And in a way, you discover that you’re right. Those feelings of missing them does disappear and you allow yourself to be loved by someone else again. But that doesn’t mean that the ex dies. In fact, sometimes you do miss them, even when you’re happily lying in bed with the next person. Realize that you’re not the type of person to let old lovers die. You’ll fall out of love with them and move on but you will always look back with fondness and miss that time. By some people’s definitions, you may never be over your ex then. You may always hold a little torch for them. Figure that’s okay though. You’re not other people. Stop comparing yourself to them and find the true release in just being yourself and owning your feelings. “I miss my ex today and that’s okay!” The second you admit that is when you can actually move on.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”