There’s going to be a time when the person who loves you is going to stop doing so. Maybe it will happen overnight or maybe you’ll see the love slowly dissolve over time. You’ll watch the “No More Love For You” police come for you and you’ll feel yourself start to panic. You’ll want to turn back the clocks and erase any quiet damage time has done to the relationship but you can’t. Every second that passes, they’re falling more and more out of love with you. Since I started writing this paragraph, their love for you was at 80%. Now it’s at 77.6% because they just found out that you didn’t empty the dishwasher.
This might seem like a grim or pessimistic thing to point out to someone but it’s actually not. It’s simply a reality of life and the more we realize that, the less it becomes about us and our supposed shortcomings. You’ll fall out of love with someone too. Maybe you already have. Maybe you fell out of love with someone first and have never actually had your heartbroken, in which case, good for you but trust me when I say that your time will come. DUN DUN DUN.
We spend lots of time and money each year to ensure that the people who love us will continue to do so. Here are the things we are told we must do in order to keep someone from leaving us.
Read a Cosmo article called “How To Make Your Man Stay” and become confused when it involves throwing candle wax on your lover’s genitalia, a $400 vibrator, and coming up with a safe word. Highlight certain passages anyway, charge the vibrator on a credit card, and wonder if “stop” is a good safe word.
Become temporarily distant and aloof from your lover. By doing this, you’re showing them just how fickle your heart can be! You don’t want them to get too comfortable because that’s when things can go awry. If they know much you love them, it will give them an opportunity to start loving you less.
Get into a drunken fight with them at a nightclub and scream “You know what you did!” just like Lauren and Heidi did on The Hills. Your lover won’t actually have done anything wrong but they’ll be so confused and also drunk that they’ll apologize and maybe cry and you’ll have amazing sex and your ~~~love flame~~~will be kept burning.
Create an unhealthy co-dependent dynamic. Think of your relationship quote as “Can’t live with you, can’t live without you!” So romantic! Engage in psychological warfare so that if they were to ever leave you, they would be damaged goods and totally undateable anyway.
Spice up your sex life some more! Read more Cosmo! They’re going to fall out of love with you if you’re not doing enough yoga and eating acai berries. You know that, right? Go on a juice cleanse and have soooooo much amazing sex. Every time you eat a solid food, you’ll feel your lover’s interest start to wane! You’re such a pig!
Say things like ” We need to find our way back to each other and reignite the passion” to your special person over brunch. Rub their cuticles while whispering “Babe, beb, babe, beb, beb, I need you beb, where are you beb? I can see you but I can’t feel you!”
Create movie moments! Blast “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. late at night when you’re on the couch with your BF/GF. Start to get up when the song begins to build momentum and start to sway back and forth. Give them pensive stares and then begin to gasp at nothing in particular. Start to scream, “No! No! NOOOOO!” and run to your room, slamming the door behind you. When your BF/GF doesn’t follow you, open the door slightly and spy on them. When the song ends, tiptoe back in the living room and restart it again, doing the same exact thing all over again.
If you do all of these things in a 72 hour time period, your BF/GF will never fall out of love with you. They might have you committed though.