Helpful Tips On How To Avoid Dying
Have you guys ever watched the show I Survived? It’s on Biography and I’m sort of obsessed with it. I know it seems morbid but it’s fascinating to hear people discuss the adrenaline that goes into your body when you’re facing death and what you will actually do in order to live. It also provides helpful tips on how to avoid dying, which are always useful. Here are some of the things I’ve gleaned from watching 63332 hours of the show.
Tip # 1: Don’t do anything sporty
I’ve always been against nature, sports and anything involving exercise and now I Survived has given me good reason. Think it’s a swell idea to get on a snowmobile? You’re wrong. You’ll fall into the ice and be stuck in freezing water for an hour and a half until your brother rescues you. Think it’s a good idea to climb trees and hunt for animals? Wrong again. You’ll fall off the tree, break your legs and land in cactus. Want to go mountain climbing? You’re dumb. You’ll fall and be left for dead for six days. How about mountain biking? Never. You’ll be mauled by a mountain lion and end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Just stay inside and watch Netflix. The only thing you can die from doing that is boredom.
Tip # 2: Don’t go in the water
Even though I grew up in a beach town, I’ve never liked the ocean. The water was too salty and menacing. Plus, I almost drowned when I was five. From watching I Survived, I’ve been given 100333 more reasons to never go in the water ever again. Not even on a boat. Think a day on the boat would be relaxing? It won’t be. The captain of your ship will kill your entire family, sink the ship, and leave you for dead. You’ll be forced to chill on a raft for three days until someone finds you. It will be bittersweet though because, hi, your whole family will be dead. Murderers aside, you could also just crash into things and have your boat sink. I mean, the ocean is just really scary, okay? Just go fill your bathtub with water and pretend you’re at sea.
Tip # 3: Don’t work night shifts/ work at a bank
Bad things happen at night. Places get robbed, people try to kill other people. Don’t work at a bank because you will get robbed. Haven’t you seen the The Town? Working a night shift at a diner is also scary because unsavory people will try to do bad things to you. Just work somewhere nice like a nursery during the day. Nurseries don’t have money, right?
Tip # 4: Don’t get married and/ or have children
Here’s something really scary that you should all know. Your husband could murder you. Whether it’s for the insurance money or just because they’re out of their mind, they will try to kill you. It’s scary, right? “We were married for fifteen years with no issues and then he just hired some man to kill me.” Oooookayy. People are terrifying and you never really know them until they’re trying to strangle you. Don’t have kids either because if you piss them off when they’re a teenager, they will have their boyfriend murder the entire family and set the house on fire. (No but seriously. This happened.)
Tip # 5: Don’t be a woman
This is actually the most upsetting aspect of watching this show because if it’s a woman, she’s definitely going to get raped. In fact, I don’t recall a story involving a woman that didn’t involve rape. It’s sad and makes me feel sick. It also helps me understand how common rape actually is. There was this one woman though on I Survived who was sort of my hero. She was a ball busting lawyer who was attacked by A SECURITY GUARD in her building (I hate people) and she basically was like, “Sorry, you are not raping me. Not gonna happen!” and proceeded to kick the crap out of him. She was stabbed multiple times and was pretty mangled but she fought him off and was never sexually assaulted. I guess what I love most about this show is that it’s empowering. It does make me nervous though because 90% of the people say they survived because of their spouse and children, of which I have neither. Does that mean I have less of a will to live?!
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
By Ella Ceron
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”