August 3, 2011

Five Things Only A Hot Skinny Model Can Wear

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What is the issue?

1. A backwards hat

It’s hard to wear a backwards hat and not feel ridiculous. Your forehead feels extra large, your hair is a mess. It’s basically your face taking center stage with no photoshop. What’s worse is that you can’t fall back on your hair to obscure an undesirable mole or to make you look more attractive. And that’s a shame because let’s face it: a good haircut can go a long way. It can make an okay looking person turn into a really cute babe. That makes wearing a backwards hat a risky move for most. However, if your face happens to be stunningly gorgeous, you can do whatever the hell you want. “Oh, I look kind of stupid in this hat? Thank god I’m sexy so it doesn’t matter!” Ugh, can you tell I just really wanna wear a backwards hat and be a total skater boy? bLUrRiNg the lines of butch and femme!

2. Harem pants

I’ll be honest, I’m sort of sick of hearing about “man-repelling” clothing. Because 90% of the girls actually wearing these weird hipster ensembles are bombshell babes so it doesn’t matter. They aren’t repelling any men. They could show up to a party in denim overalls and “I have chlamydia” stapled to their forehead and still go home with a babe. Harem pants have become the symbol for this kind of cute fashion that women love but is entirely lost on men and I guess I get that. Harem pants are weird looking but if they’re worn by someone hot, it’s not so weird. Fashion mysteries revealed!

3. Bathing suits

Every time summer rolls around and I get into my trunks, I’m always taken aback by how naked I am. “Wait, so people do this? They get this naked to go to the beach? I mean, I love it, but I’m just so… naked.” Women have it worse. They’re forced to just put it all out there if they want to go for a dip. Legs, stomachs, boobs and butts: The gang’s all here! Oh, I think my body issues are too. So glad they could make it!!

4. Skinny jeans

It’s implicit in the name. One must be skinny to wear skinny jeans. They pinch your lower leg while blowing up your thighs, making even a thin person look a little curvaceous. Damn skinny jeans for tricking an entire generation of twenty-somethings into thinking they could wear that kind of denim cut. It was a dirty lie. Like everything else in fashion, it was only meant to be worn by Lauren Conrad on an episode of The Hills but it ended up becoming a phenomenon. When in doubt, you can always blame Lauren Conrad though. For everything. Trust me, she doesn’t care.

5. Crop tops

“We’re going to do this really fun thing and bring back crop tops! Oh my god, you’ll love it. It’s very twee and will make you feel like a five-year-old girl asking for lunch money from your mom. Here’s the thing though. Your entire stomach will be exposed. As in, you’ll be sitting down with your stomach out. Or jumping up and down in da club with it hanging out. Is there, like, a problem? Kelly Kapowski did it.” I know fashion is going in this direction of Saved By The Bell but, like Jessie Spano felt about her addiction to caffeine pills, I’m so excited and so…scared about all of it. TC mark

image – Saved By The Bell
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