August 31, 2011

5 Surefire Ways To Get Dumped

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What is the issue?
Are you in a bogus relationship and need an exit strategy? Never fear! Here are some surefire ways to get your ass dumped. No wants to be the dumper so save yourself some guilt by acting like an insane crazy person!

1. Don’t act distant!

This is a common mistake many people make when trying to get dumped. They give their significant other the cold shoulder and treat them like crap, hoping it will give them no choice but to do the dumping themselves. WRONG! When you do this, you’re forgetting something very important about people, which is a lot of us have low self-esteem and like to love someone who’s emotionally unavailable! By becoming distant, you’re basically giving them free boners and fueling the relationship. When someone stops loving us, it’s our first instinct to try to salvage things. So go ahead, try to ignore our texts because we’ll just keep on sending them until you finally have to do the dirty deed yourself, you coward!

2. Refuse to have sex

Okay, this passive-agressive behavior actually works. Abstain from having sex with you partner by giving a variety of excuses {“I’m too tired” or “I’m just not feeling it, beb!”) and they will feel so undesirable that they’ll be forced to pull the plug. It’s not fun when your BF/GF makes you feel like The Loch Ness Monster. Your sudden disinterest in seeing them naked will send them so far into a shame spiral, you’ll be clicking “Single” on your Facebook profile in no time. P.S. if you actually do this, you’re a terrible person.

3. Agree with everything your BF/GF says!

Ugh, there’s nothing worse than a super agreeable person. Relationships thrive on differences so if you ever want to annoy your BF/GF says, just start agreeing with everything that comes out of their mouth.

Them: I love babyback ribs!
You: Me too, beb.
Them: Um, you’re vegan.
You: I don’t care. If you love them, I love them! Anything for you….
Them: (PANICKING) Well, then I also love it when animals are routinely slaughtered for human consumption. Like I’m obsessed with it. It’s sort of my favorite thing!
You: Totally. That’s why I love eating veal. It’s the most inhumane.
Them: When have you ever eaten veal? Are you insane? Who are you?! Where did the real you go?!!
You: I’m right here, beb.
Them: You’re weird and I hate you.
You: I know. I’m a terrible person.

Ha! Good luck finding a map to get out of that argument! Bye………

4. Play *NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” whenever they enter the room

Start dropping hints that you’re over it by playing the ultimate kiss off song whenever they enter a room, duh! When your BF/GF asks you why you’ve been listening to “Bye Bye Bye” so much, just be like, “I want it to be our wedding song!” If they haven’t gotten the memo after a period of time, they’ll dump you anyway for being so annoying and/or because they think you might be gay.

5. Become a stoner

Stoners make for terrible boyfriends and girlfriends. Start smoking a lot of weed and force them to watch hours of Family Guy and it will definitely send them over the relationship edge. Look at them longingly and pretend like you’re about to say something super romantic. Be like, “Honey….” and they’ll respond excitedly, “Yes?!!” Take a pregnant pause and ask “Do you think aliens exist and do you have any crackers?” Bye. You’re done. Consider this the remix of that Pink song “U + Ur Hand” and call it “U + Ur Bong.” TC mark

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