Why Everyone Needs A Party Foul Friend
By Thoughtis
Party fouls are hopeless. They miss all of their social cues, fail to be perceptive, and accidentally annoy everyone around them with their chronic oversharing. Every time they show up to a social gathering, a giant hush falls over the room and they just can’t seem to understand why. They just give a look back to the crowd that seems to say, “Y IS IT SO QUIET? OH MY GOD, HI GUYS! BEST FRIENDS! MY PARTNERS IN CRIME! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” They then barrel towards an unsuspecting clique of people for a bear hug. “I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE. I TRIED TEXTING YOU BUT I NEVER HEARD BACK. PEOPLE MUST GET NO RECEPTION UP HERE!”
Party fouls are, in theory, terrifying people no one actually wants to hang out with. They’re the friend you always try to ditch but somehow always manages to tag along to everything. When you go to a house party, you must warn the host, “Listen, I’m bringing Party Foul. Is that okay? I can’t get rid of them!” The host then groans and is like, “Are you serious? Last time they came to my house, they puked on my rug and talked about their dead grandmother for four hours!” You always act put out by the party foul because they’re pretty much the worst thing ever. But they can also sort of be the best thing ever. You see, party fouls mostly exist in high school and college. After that, you get a job and a dog and a boyfriend and only have time to hang out with people you actually like. There is no room for a party foul at 25. You leave that shit behind at your last college party. But when you’re 16, 20, maybe even 23, you have nothing but time for insane people in your life. You can totally squeeze in a hang out sesh with the girl who tried to tell you about the time she may have almost gotten raped within the first five minutes of meeting her. Why? Because you’re bored and Abnormal Psych isn’t for another hour. Sorry!
We say we don’t like party fouls and wish they never came to our parties, but I think that’s a lie. Like recreational drugs and a Missy Elliott song, party fouls are a crucial ingredient to any successful party. They’ll say boneheaded things, do something really embarrassing like try to get lesbian with some chick in the bathroom, and subsequently give people something to talk about for the next three social gatherings. “Remember when Party Foul told me that she thought we were soul sisters at Derek’s party and then proceeded to touch my boob? What a freak! I hate her! Let’s talk about her for another hour, k?”
When you’re in high school and college, you are constantly looking for things and people to talk about. You need something to fill the silences at brunch; you need someone to make you feel better about yourself. And that’s the Party Foul’s job—to make you feel normal, well-adjusted, and like you’re doing things right. It’s screwed up, but it’s also just because you’re young and living in a fishbowl. Eventually you’ll grow out of it and not need to be surrounded by crazy people to make yourself feel good.
And what happens to the party foul? Without a kegger to attend, they wander aimlessly, clicking Refresh on their Facebook page in hopes they’ll find an event invitation. They never got the memo that no one liked them and if they did, they wouldn’t be a party foul. Because knowing their place would indicate some sort of perceptiveness, which would mean that they sort of “get it”, and party fouls are not allowed to “get it.” Their oblivious behavior is what makes them so fascinating and appalling. So instead, they just live their lives blissfully unaware of their surroundings.
I advise everyone to purge themselves of all party foul friends. Give them a chance to be happy and stay at home.