What Happens When You Get Into A Relationship
When you get into a relationship, you will be a lot happier? I think that’s how it works. I’m not entirely sure. You’re supposed to feel like you’ve won some implicit race—the race to monogamy and security and family vacations and cocktail parties and faded polaroids and diapers and screaming and tears and orgasms and i love you and i hate you. Yeah, I think that’s what it’s all about.
When you get into a relationship, you’re going to be a lot fatter? You’ll be eating spaghetti and meatballs every night, which will be topped with I’m In Love sauce. Every dollop of I’m In Love sauce contains 3,000 calories though. In fact, every time you tell your significant other “I love you”, you go up a waist size. I think this is okay. I think this doesn’t matter. I think if you’re going to be fat, you might as well be in love.
When you get into a relationship, you’re going to forget about all the bad things that ever happened to you? That’s what happens when you have someone. You. Just. Forget. You’re on love drugs, which causes amnesia, which causes happiness. Every moment of your life is dedicated to being present and attentive. The long stretch of time that exists ahead of you doesn’t feel so daunting. I think that’s how it works. I really don’t know, you know?
When you get into a relationship, it will fix everything? You’ll stop getting sad while watching certain movies or feeling like a piece of crap when you read Cosmopolitan. You’re invincible to it now. They can’t get to you anymore. The lambs have stopped screaming. I’m not a doctor though. Like, I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure about all of this.
When you get into a relationship, you’re going to be hurting someone very badly someday. Because that relationship will alter at some point and it will feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. This is how it all works. This I know for certain. I know this more than the weight gain and the fixing everything and the cocktail parties and the diapers and the orgasms. This has happened to me. This has happened to you. This happens. It’s sad, I guess, but it’s also just what we have to endure as people with brains and hearts and genitalia. Getting into a relationship means getting outside of yourself and into someone else, and then finding your way back to you again. The whole process just makes you feel so…alive? Yes, that’s it. That’s what it’s all about. Feeling alive big bang boom. Bingo. Can I go now?
A | A | A
The time I recognized my human privilege in the face of a mind controlled Stone Giant whose people had been enslaved for 1,000 years.
My hands were numb but I pushed the shortcut to my mom’s cell phone. No service at 30,000 feet. “Call me ASAP,” I wrote, and pushed send. Delivery Failure.
Used with permission from Honest Slogans. 1. Pizza Hut 2. Candy Crush 3. Target 4. Best Buy 5. Apple 6. America Online 7. Hot Pockets 8. Waffle House 9. Lego 10. Adobe 11. Hulu 12. Wii 13. Subway 14.
When I was a kid, I dreamed of my mid-20s. Seriously, you remember those awkward moments of junior high, high school, and even college when you just thought, “Goddamnit, I wish I were a real adult,” right?