1. Miss your FACE girlie. Drinks soon?
Facebook is a place for you to communicate with lingering bugaboos and friends on the periphery. In fact, if I write on your wall, chances are it’s because we aren’t good friends. I can’t remember the last time I wrote on my BFF’s walls something like, “hey babe! how r u?” Why? BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW. We just hung out and got frozen yogurt together, hello!
2. Um, did last night even happen? FML. So hungover.
People like to let everyone know on the Internet just how hard they partied last night (it was really hard). Facebook wall posts that discuss the shenanigans of the night before are usually cloaked in vague references and inside jokes. This is meant to pique the interest of lurkers everywhere. “OMG, I wonder what they did last night. Did they just make a thinly-veiled reference to doing blow?! Jelly…” It can inspire a pretty lengthy comment thread (ex: “I can’t move.” “Really? I’m still drunk.”) and it’s basically just a giant bragfest. When I was 19, the FB wall brag was my jam but making mistakes at 24 is far more embarrassing and needs to be covered up immediately.
3. It’s our one year, honey. I am so madly in love with you. You light up my life. Every day is a dream with you. See you in 30 minutes. Do you want to do Italian tonight?
Couples gushing about each other on their Facebook walls should be illegal. Like Time Warner Cable or Comcast needs to come to their door, find their router and smash it into a million pieces while screaming, “GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL YOU’VE REALIZED THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS!” It’s the new form of PDA. If we thought smooching in public was bad, declarations of love and devotion on the internet is the absolute worst.
4. Will I see you at Christmas this year? Love to the family!
It’s the best when an old person writes on a twenty-something’s wall, especially if the twenty-something is trying to cultivate a cool internet image. They’ll have cute polaroids of themselves and adorable wall postings by their equally adorable friends when all of a sudden Jean Record (whose default is a picture of her and a horse cropped poorly) comments something so real about their family. The jig is up, my friend! You have a family! You have an aunt who only knows you in the context of holidays and isn’t even aware that you’re sort of popular on the internet.
5. It’s been ages. How ya been, man?
This falls in a similar category as “Miss your face girlie” but it’s a little bit more removed. The person writing “miss your face girlie” probably hasn’t seen you in one to two months whereas “How ya been, man?” hasn’t seen you in YEARS. They’re a random from high school who you were maybe close with for like a sec and now you have to respond with, “not much! just working at *insert job here* in *insert place here*. Finishing up school and thinking about grad school. You?” You obviously don’t give a shit what this person is doing but Facebook has pinned you against a wall and you have no choice. You must fill your brain with more pointless information about people you never cared about. It’s like an internet law.