July 14, 2011

My Top Five Favorite Hashtags

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What is the issue?
What is it about hashtags that make them so hilarious? Who knew that adding a  pound sign and a word after a sentence could transform it into an instant zing. Thanks to Twitter, the internet language has been forever altered. People now add hashtags on Tumblr, Facebook, and, if you’re me, even on Thought Catalog! Not to toot my own horn, but I’d like to think I’m pretty good at coming up with funny hashtags. My Twitter, Being Gay Is Gay, became a successful one and now, like Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls tried to do with fetch, I’m working tirelessly to make #dark happen.

Below are my top five favorite hashtags. Feel free to interpret them in new and exciting ways!

1. #dark

So I really don’t know if I invented #dark or not. How does one take ownership over anything on the internet anyway, but I’ve seen it trickle into my Twitter feed ever since I started using it, and it has made me feel like a proud parent. I think it has caught on because people are realizing that so many things can be # dark. There really is no limits to one’s darkness. Just try using it in one of the following ways:

My Chipotle burrito is really #dark.
Just woke up cradling an empty plate of chicken tika marsala with an episode of Dawson’s Creek playing in the background. #dark.
My intern has more money than me. #dark
Salmon pink shorts. #dark

See what I mean? Something is #dark if it involves food, anti-anxiety meds, or if something is just really screwed up! Turn your real life pain into virtual hilarity with #dark! whoa, when it’s phrased like that, it really is #dark.

2. #touchmybody

Sadly, I can’t take credit for this gem since I snagged it from Lena Dunham’s Twitter. But you should really use it because it’s sheer genius. #touchmybody works in any tweet in which you’ve made yourself sound physically repulsive. So it could make sense when used like this:

I just accidentally swallowed my own phlegm. #touchmybody
I ordered a large pizza and ate the crumbs off of my bare stomach. #touchmybody
My button just popped off of my shorts. #touchmybody

Get the theme? You’re fat and disgusting and no wonder you never get laid! Haha? Oh my god, so many of these hashtags come from a shameful place. #epiphany.

3. #WayHarshTai

Any excuse to incorporate Clueless quotes into your everyday life is a good one. Although the film is full of golden nuggets, Cher telling her BFF Tai that it was way harsh when she called her a virgin who couldn’t drive takes the LOL cake for me. To use #WayHarshTai in your everyday Twitter jargon, just tweet a particularly harsh insult you or someone you know received. Look at these examples for inspiration:

My waitress just told me that I ordered too much food. #WayHarshTai
My therapist won’t text me back. #WayHarshTai
My mom just said I looked healthy. #WayHarshTai

Ok, why did two out of three have to do have to do with being food shamed? I guess I’m in a croissant and Bagel Bites state of mind today.

4. #GenericTweet

I try to tweet only interesting and funny things. I really don’t want to be that guy who’s tweeting about a pretty sunset, but sometimes you gotta be. Sometimes you have to tweet something like “Best day I’ve had in awhile” because it was and the universe must know it. Who cares if it ruins your Twitter cred? You’re just being real! To minimize the damage though, you should consider using the hashtag #GenericTweet afterwards. It’s a knowing nod to the tedious bullshit that often floods your Twitter feed and is sort of like a “I’m sorry but not really for boring you with this information” to all of your followers. Here are some good #GenericTweets.

The weather today is outrageously good. Wish I could be at the beach instead of at work. #GenericTweet
I hate traffic. #GenericTweet
Ran errands with @BlahBlah today. We ate pho and talked about boys. Missed them! #GenericTweet

Get it? Now you no longer have to feel the shame of not feeling particularly clever!

5. #NotClearOn

I can’t take the credit for #NotClearOn. My brilliant tweeting friend, Tanner, came up with it. #NotClearOn is a hashtag you can use when you’re feeling confused about something or someone. It can be a fashion trend, a certain celebrity, or something that’s sweeping popular culture at the moment. Try these babies on for size:

That time Brandy killed someone. #NotClearOn
Anne Heche. #NotClearOn
My taste in men. #NotClearOn

Life is so unclear, right? Tweet about it. It will make things clearer? TC mark

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