Hey you! You want to do drugs? Well, you really shouldn’t because they’re bad for you and kind of turn you into an insane person and suck up all of your money! But if you don’t care about being healthy and making good decisions, I guess you should just do it. You’ll need a drug dealer though, which can be a total bummer. Drug dealers are your anti-drug because communicating with them is a hassle and a half. You can spend a whole day trying to track them down and when you finally get a hold of them, they won’t have what you want or they’ll be really stoned and try to sell you something else. It’s super #dark but here are some tips on how to deal with them if you’re super desperate to not be sober.
Tip # 1: Be prepared to hang out with them.
If you actually manage to meet up with your dealer, be wary because they might want to hang out with you after they sell you drugs. Getting your goods delivered to your apartment may seem super amazing and convenient but you run the risk of having your dealer be like, “Let’s chill for a sec. No rush!” If you’re buying weed from some guy, you have to understand that he might want to get stoned with you. And you can’t say no. In fact, you can never say no to your dealer. Just say “yes, yes, yes!” to everything because they sadly have the power. “You wanna smoke with us? Um, sure! Totally. Uh. Hmm.” All of a sudden, your smoke session has turned into two hours of social awkwardness. All you can think of asking is “How long have you been doing this for?” and “So do you have a lot of customers?”
Tip # 2: Be prepared to run
Attempting to meet up with your drug dealer is sort of like going to the gym. You wait 45 minutes for a text and then when you get it, you run to the address they listed. When you arrive panting and sweating, your dealer sends you another text that’s like, “Just kidding! I’m on the other side of town!” Four hours later, you’ve ran four miles around your city and finally got what you were looking for. Chasing My Drug Dealer is a great workout and it’s going to be coming soon to a gym near you!
Tip # 3: Save all of their text messages
Drug dealer texts are a reason to go on living! They’re usually, upbeat, cheerful and spoken in code. Weed is Mary Jane obviously. Xanax can be written as Xanadu. Coke can be referred to as Kate Moss, snow, or my giant expensive mistake. Keep all of their messages so you can compile them into a performance art project one day or write a book called Texts From My Drug Dealer and sell it at American Apparel.
Tip # 4: “I Think I’m Paranoid” is not just a song by Garbage.
Drug dealers are paranoid, which you can’t really blame them for considering their job is illegal. But it’s interesting to see what sets off the paranoia versus what they’re completely cool with. Sometimes it honestly makes no sense. Like why is buying pot off of you in the middle of the day on the street okay, but saying the word “weed” out loud isn’t?
Tip # 5: They aren’t going to kill you so chill out!
This isn’t Dangerous Minds, okay? Drug dealers are usually pretty normal (well, the ones who deal soft drugs are. I’ve never met a meth dealer). They wear skinny jeans (thank god! I will only have a chic drug dealer!), have a dog and like to go to the movies or whatever. Drug dealers: They’re just like US! (except richer and a little bit weirder).