How To Stay Single Forever
Have issues. Like a lot of them. They’re the kind of issues you’re aware of but don’t know how to fix. They just sit there, ruining your life and preventing it from moving forward. You want to scream “Stop! Get out of my life, Issues!” but they aren’t having any of it. The Issues have taken residency in your body and aren’t leaving until a therapist or Lithium forces them out.
Admit to yourself that your love life has been kind of a wash. You can say it. It’s true. You can’t say you’re surprised. In fact, you always feared this would happen. You knew everything else would come easy to you. A job and lots of friends were a given for your personality. But love. Hmm, that’s trickier. That’s where your issues lie, that’s where you switch from being normal to a homegirl with some emotional probs.
Your issues act as bodyguards for your heart. They circle it day and night keeping a close watch for any potential suitors. If they see someone getting closer, they start chasing it away. So far, they’ve seem to done quite a good job. People have been chased away and you’ve remained a solo star. Maybe your issues will even get a bonus this year for all their hard work.
You’re fucked. There are many ways for you to get un-fucked but you’re not sure if you’ll be able to do any of them. You see, you complain about being single but then when someone displays any interest, you retreat immediately. You run under the covers and ask if the big scary ghost man (aka your crush) is gone. A few days later, you’ll be back to whining, “WHY AREN’T I IN A RELATIONSHIP?” The worst part of all this is that you know this is screwed up, you know you’re an idiot, but hi, issues. Have you met?
You need to get to a place where watching TV alone in bed doesn’t provide you with such a sense of relief. You need to get to a point where being by yourself isn’t your idea of a great time. Being most at ease when you’re eating a microwavable burrito and watching Netflix Instant is so #dark and not who you are at all. So snap out of it!
“Taking it easy” one night could turn into three years and then ten years and then forever. Before you know it, you’ve been taking it easy all the nights of your life and have avoided any social situations that could’ve changed your life. Want to stay single forever? Be scared every single day of your life. Fear will do the job. That’s all it takes. It’s as easy as 1, 2, I’M TERRIFIED, GET OFF ME!
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”