June 28, 2011

How To Act Like A Very Important Person

Do you want to act like a V.I.P.? Well, you can do it while still being a nobody! Here are some tips!

Dress like a power lesbian even if you’re a man. Think Balenciaga bag paired with some chic trousers and a blazer. Your shoes should say “fuck off”, your nails should say “fuck me” and your feet should say “J/K, I’m running late to a meeting!”

Drive a nice car and occasionally deal with a hit and run. Rebecca Gayheart and Brandy have both accidentally killed people with their cars, okay? It’s chic! If you live in New York, you should always be hailing a cab and acting like you’re running late. Stomp your feet and point to an invisible watch to get the point across.

Go to lunch by yourself but talk on a cell phone the entire time. The solo lunch is the new lunch meeting. Carry a briefcase of papers and yell into the phone so everyone at the restaurant can hear you say, “Listen, I have the papers right here! My ass is on the line with this, John. If this deal falls apart, we are soooo fucked! You’re like medium fucked and I’m totally fucked!” Eat your salad (carbs are a Never when it comes to a V.I.P.) and yell at your waiter for more lemon wedges. Leave in a total huff and make sure people are watching you.

Wear sunglasses 24/7 and behave like you’re put out by everything. “Ugh, this weather sucks. This is not what I ordered!” Complain to everyone about how busy you are. “I don’t even have time to sit here and tell you how busy I am. My schedule is that hectic!” When people ask you what you’re actually doing, act horrified by the question and storm out.

Carry a pill pouch around at all times. Important people are always medicated. Take two Vicodin for a hangover and an Ambien before bed. Swallow them in public very dramatically like you’re shooting heroin or something.

Pretend that there is paparazzi following you when it’s really just a random person riding their bike. “THERE’S JUST NO PRIVACY ANYMORE!”

Act as if you’re above the drama and don’t have time for it. “My life is too busy for toxic people/situations. I work, okay?” Again, people will ask what it is you do for living so you must ask totally insulted and run away crying.

Spend 80% of your time in hotels. Haunt the lobby, the restaurant and pool. When an employee asks you if you need help, respond, “I’m meeting my friend. She’s just running late!”

The key to being a V.I.P. is behaving like a delusional diva and acting as if your time is more precious than anyone else’s. That should do it! TC mark