Ten Reasons Why Being Single Sucks
- No one is required to care about your crappy day and listen to your boring story about getting cut in line at the bagel shop. All of these little grievances have to be kept inside. You can try calling your friend and being like, “You will never guess what just happened. I ordered my mocha with skim and they gave me whole milk!” but your friend will probably respond with something along the lines of, “Oh, bummer. BRB. I have to take a hit from my “Caring” bong in order to stay interested in this conversation.” Your boyfriend/girlfriend, however, has to care. It’s part of the deal. You give them orgasms so you can tell really boring stories that won’t really go anywhere.
- You’re not being told you’re beautiful, hot, and sexy every week. No one is making you feel like the powerful sexy beast you really are! Unless you’re actually having lots of casual sex. Then you’re hearing it a lot from people who may or may not know your name.
- Sex is not guaranteed. It’s not something you just have waiting for you at the end of the long day. “Oh thank god! Sex is here. Thanks for ordering it!” A single person’s substitute for sex is a glass of wine, and an order of chicken tika marsala while watching old episodes of 30 Rock. To get some kicks, maybe they will wear something provocative for the delivery man.
- There’s an absence of passion. Your highs aren’t that high, your lows aren’t that low. Things are just remarkably dull. A relationship makes things exciting. It’s like a super fun job you look forward to doing every day.
- If you’re in a relationship and happen to accidentally die alone in your apartment, you can feel comfort in knowing that your significant other will become aware of your absence immediately. No maggots for this dead body! They had a beau!
- You have to date, which is a cruel and exhausting process. You must meet strangers in dimly lit bars to decide if you want them to eventually see you eating Nutella out of the jar in your underwear or crying after a bad day at work or throwing up. Most of them end up being people you only want to see naked for an hour and never again.
- You’re seated at the “singles” table at a wedding. There is nothing darker than the “singles” table at a wedding.
- Grocery shopping is depressing. One single package of Amy’s macaroni and cheese, a yogurt, and some ice cream. Yup, you are someone who is not getting laid right now.
- Feeling like you have nothing to contribute to the conversation when you’re hanging out with your friends who are in relationships.
- You start to have weak orgasms from masturbating. Even your body is sick of your crap and wants you to find someone to have sex with.
A | A | A
It’s not as if you’re going to feel it less, just because you’ve been there before.
I wish you a thousand more years of presence and popularity on Earth, and I hope you never have a Hostess style financial breakdown so that we may continue to enjoy you for generations to come.
Consistent highness does not pull you out of your humanness.
Suddenly, in the midst of the war, I was overcome by an incredible feeling of optimism.