Dear Gay Dude,
I’m a 35-year-old straight man who’s been married for eight years. While I’m an advocator for gay rights, I don’t understand why y’all wanna get hitched so bad. Marriage can often ruin a relationship. I know it’s certainly put a dent in mine. You should be thankful that you have the luxury of being in a long-term monogamous relationship without all of the bullshit. Do you even know how much it costs to get divorced?!
-Don’t Get Married
Dear Don’t Get Married,
I’m obsessed with you and this question. It’s so dumb and yet so real. I feel obligated to answer.
Ok so I can’t speak for all the gays in the world, but gay marriage for me is all about the principle. Why don’t I have the right to enter a loveless marriage like you did? Plus, if my partner dropped dead one day after we had been together for twenty years, why shouldn’t I be protected and entitled to some of his estate? Why can’t I get his benefits? Marriage is all about the ~bEneFitS~, right? “I love you. Now give me your health coverage!”
Gay men want to get married because we want to have a big stupid wedding like all you straight people do. Sure, you could argue that we could do it via a commitment ceremony but no thanks! Can you blame us? In our wedding-obsessesed culture, we have movies like My Best Friend’s Wedding, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Muriel’s Wedding, Bridesmaids, Rachel Getting Married (super depressing movie but fantastic ceremony!), and Bride Wars all telling us to get married. The big M. It’s not called Rachel Getting A Commitment Ceremony or My Big Fat Civil Union. Maybe if our culture would stop giving weddings so many BJ’s, we wouldn’t care as much. Until then, we just want to have our wedding cake and eat it too.
Gay men want to get married so we can call each other “husband” and have it be real. We want to go on dates with other married couples and talk about married life. We want to be a part of the club. You can understand that, can’t you? Life is just a series of clubs people would like to become members of. Don’t fault us for wanting to participate in something that we’ve been instructed to do since birth.
Gay men want to get married so we can fall out of love with each other and have a sordid affair! We want to wear trench coats to hidden meetings in fancy hotels with someone who will make us feel alive again. Desired, wanted. Keeping secrets from someone whom you’re legally bound to also just sounds so daring and cool. Gimme gimme commitment and gimme gimme betrayal.
Do you see what I’m getting at? Marriage is such a flawed institution. Denying us admission to the shitshow on grounds that it’s “sacred” is just completely bogus. So come on. Just let us in. I bet you our divorces will be better than your divorces!