1. Tell your annoying friend that you don’t want to hang out anymore
We all have those friends who haven’t received the “THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER” memo. They still ask to hang out, still send us desperate texts and what can we do? String them along by giving then false promises obviously. “I’ve been really busy” or “I had cholera” are all valid excuses that have bought you time until the next run-in. You fill them with lies because you think it’s doing them a favor but in reality, it probably just makes them feel more rejected. But telling them the truth is also a harsh bummer. You don’t want to openly be an asshole. That’s socially unacceptable! Being a flaky bad friend, however, is. Weird, right? If being honest with someone was socially acceptable, we’d be all over it. Who knows, maybe it will be one day! In the meantime, we must continue to ignore those texts and feign an illness once a month. Because it’s the “right” thing to do…
2. Scream at a complete stranger
You know who I hate? Those people who stand on the street with those little clipboards and ask you, “Do you have a second for human rights?” or “Do you care about gay marriage?” You know they just want money from you but the way they phrase the question always makes you feel like such a jerk. I always get the gay marriage question because, duh, I’m gay and I really just want to tell them, “You know what? I do care about gay marriage. You know I care about gay marriage. That’s why you asked me. But I’m not in the mood to be guilt tripped into making a donation and I’m also kind of late meeting this guy who I plan to have sex with. Bye!” Wouldn’t that be awesome? Unfortunately, you would be seen as a psycho person with no soul so you can’t do anything except avert their eyes and keep on walking. Social acceptability strikes again! If I’m having a really bad day though, I’m just so tempted to be that crazy man in Rite Aid who’s yelling at the cashier for running out of his favorite conditioner. Instead of being That Guy, I just go home and release my anger in unhealthier ways like everybody else. Yay?
3. Just say no
If I could do it without burning bridges and looking like the # 1 mean girl, I would just say no to so many of the things that are asked of me. “No, I’m not going to write this article”, “No, I don’t want to hear about your dog”, “No, I don’t want to get drinks with you.” Just no. It might be the most liberating word in the English dictionary but you can’t say it that often because that would be…bad? I’m not really sure. I think if more people did something as simple as clicking “Not Attending” on a Facebook event invite instead of “Maybe”, the world would be a happier and most honest place. Can we just start with Facebook? “I AM NOT ATTENDING YOUR STUPID VISUAL LIGHT SHOW IN PARK SLOPE. LEAVE ME ALONE!” Ugh, it feels so good to even type it out. It feels like I just drank two glasses of “Truth'” wine.
4. When people ask how you are, tell them the truth
Okay, this one makes me sort of a hypocrite. On the rare occasion that someone actually tells me how they’re doing, I’m usually just like, “Ew. Just tell me you’re doing fine like everyone else!” While it’s true that laying all of your shit out on a random person can be weird, people could stand to be a little less robotic with their responses. “I’m doing great!”, they’ll say through clenched teeth before taking a big gulp from a glass of wine. Excuse me but part of the reason why people drink so much is because they can’t be “real” in so many situations. You aren’t allowed to be honest when you’re sober. That’s too weird! But get blackout wasted and tell me you hate me, and that’s totes fine!
5. Tell your ex: “I’m not happy that you’re happy!”
Running into exes is the worst. You have to stand there and lie about how amazing everything is in your life when you really just want to say “Screw you. Let’s get naked!” If you can have entire conversations that are knowingly comprised of BS, why can’t you have a conversation where you speak the truth? The worst is when your ex is like, “Oh and I have a new significant other now!” and you have to be like, “Oh my god, I’m so happy for you!” No, you’re not. You’re furious! This person saw you naked and now he’s seeing another naked body while you’re in a relationship with your DVR. Wouldn’t it feel so good to just respond with “Really? This news makes me feel terrible. I want you to go away now!” Yes. It would. It would feel so good until you realized you came off like a crazy person for actually speaking your mind. How dare you say what everyone is already thinking! You truly are nuts!