5 Things Stoned People Like To Do
1. Talk about conspiracy theories and/or aliens
Paranoia and pot go together like fashion and anorexia. I’m not sure why, but being stoned just compels you to think about “the bigger picture.” And for stoners, the bigger picture often involves the government lying to you and possibly wanting you dead. It’s funny how stoned people either want to talk about the most juvenile topics or the most heavy. It’s either farts or the meaning of life. Pick one. Aliens and conspiracy theories fall more towards the latter. In college, I had to sit through so many bored, stoned nights listening to someone named Moon with dreads talk about Loose Change—the documentary that suggests the government played in a role in 9/11. First of all, ew. Second of all, you don’t talk about that shit in New York. People lost family members on Wall Street so you just can’t tell someone who lost a brother that it was the government’s fault, okay? Third of all, I want Cheetos.
2. Laugh at inappropriate times
Being stoned is HIGHlarious, right? All you want to do is laugh, laugh, and then laugh some more. But sometimes the timing is not right. Sometimes someone will be talking about something intense when you’ll feel the familiar urge to laugh. You’ll try to suppress it of course, but that just makes you want to laugh more. Then smash cut: You laughing at someone while they’re talking about their bipolar disorder. Your friend is as horrified by your insensitivity as are you. You’re sitting there laughing so hard you can’t breath, thinking, “Oh my god, please make this stop. I feel like such an asshole. Please, I beg of you marijuana. Make me stop laughing!” When you eventually stop, there’s this weird thickness in the air and you’ll just say very slowly, “I am so…very…sorry.” Also amusing while high: Abortions, betrayal, and casual racism.
3. Make out with someone
Weed is not known for being an aphrodisiac. You’re too lazy and feel too crazy to actually get down to the real business. But what is fun is a nice make out sesh. When you’re high, senses are working overtime so things like texture and touch feel pretty amazing. Eating someone’s lips can be better than eating something at Del Taco! Once I made out with someone stoned and their lips felt like literal pillows. My lips basically wanted to nap on their lips. It was hot.
4. Have weird conversations on the phone with their parents
Fact: Your parents always call you when you’re high. They have a sixth sense for when their children are killing brain cells. Dateline instilled it in them or something. So when my mom and dad call me when I’m stoned, I go through the following emotions:
- First ring: Oh my god, it’s my mom/dad.
- Second ring: Fuck…
- Third ring: I’m so high. I can’t answer.
- Fourth ring: OK, I’ll answer.
You always answer. It’s weird. You know it’s going to be awful trying to talk to them when you’re stoned, but you do it anyway, probably out of guilt. This one time my dad called me when I was high and actually faked a heart attack on the phone (my dad is weird) and I started to hyperventilate/cry in a room full of stoned 19-year-old’s who were checking for each other’s auras. My weed consumption drastically decreased shortly thereafter.
5. Sit in awkward silence
Smoking pot can get real weird. If it’s not done in the right context, it can become a total awkward fest. Talking while high is already difficult to begin with so if you’re with someone you don’t really know/like, the hangout can devolve into long periods of silence. You’ll stare at the ruffles in a potato chip for twenty minutes to avoid making conversation. Potato chip > random high person. It’s important to do it with people you like who will understand if you want to zone out for a sec. Like I mentioned earlier, you’re already prone to paranoia when you’re high so if you’re with someone you’re not comfortable with, you might feel the pressure to entertain them or worry that you’re behaving stupidly. Oh my god, stoned people worry about acting too stoned all the time. “Am I acting weird? Will they know?!” And it’s like, “Um, well you did spend the last ten minutes telling a story about a duvet cover but whatever. You’re totally fine!” Ugh, I guess I just don’t like to get stoned.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.