Thought Catalog
March 31, 2011

The Advantages of Being Sober At A Bar

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What is the issue?

1. You save a bunch of money

Paying enormous amounts of money for drinks has always been a strange concept to me. It’s like, “Yes. Let me pay you fifty dollars so I can act like an asshole, eat fattening foods, and eventually vomit on the sidewalk.” That doesn’t sound right, does it? Not to mention that when you’re drinking your money transforms into Monopoly money. It’s like it becomes not real. That 40 bucks you just spent on a cab and a large pizza was actually just paper money. By remaining sober, you’ll be drinking 2 buck Shirley Temples, want to walk home, and not have a craving for a midnight snack. You’ll wake up feeling refreshed, thinner and with more money than you can imagine! Sobriety. Yay!

2. You’ll realize how creepy everyone is

You know what’s more powerful than beer goggles? H20 goggles. Yup. Hydration is the most powerful thing of all. The weirdest thing about being the only sober person in a room full of drunk people is that you’ll realize how gross everyone is. You’ll see your friend talking to someone who looks like Grendel and she’ll whisper to you, “OMG, isn’t he cute? I might go home with him. I’m bad!” Your response will be naturally that of horror and disgust. You’ll think to yourself, “Wait, is this me? Do I go home with Grendel when I’m wasted? Fuck me and fuck drinking!” You’ll also become aware of how sleazy and predatory straight dudes can be. They seriously lurk in the corner with their polo shirts and gelled hair ready to pounce on a drunk chick. As the sober one, it’s your duty to act as a bodyguard and swat away any undesirables.

3. You can act completely insane

My craziest nights out have often been the times I’ve been completely sober. Being the only person who isn’t inebriated is somehow liberating and gives you the license to act like a compete nutjob. You can behave like a wild animal and people will just look at you with their drunk glazed eyes and be very very confused. My favorite thing to do when I’m sober and dealing with mass amounts of drunk people is to make up fake identities. I’ve told people before that my name used to be Ryan but is now Rihanna because I’m “transitioning.” The expressions on their faces was literally worth the taste of five delicious cocktails and they shockingly(and perhaps insultingly) believed me {Note: You can convince drunk people of anything). Sobriety produces this natural high that, when put in contrast with a room full of drunk people, can be pretty amazing.

4. It’s sort of fun to hook up with a drunk person

Is this creepy? Here’s the scenario I have in mind: You see a cute drunk person checking you out at the bar and you feel weird about approaching them because you don’t want to feel like you’re taking advantage. But then you go over there and discover this person is actually really cool. Before you know it, your sober ass is making out with them. I know it’s weird but sometimes hooking up with someone who has 2 or 3 drinks in them can be fun. They can’t be wasted or belligerent because a.} that would be icky and b.} no fun for you. Drunk sex is only really fun when both parties are wasted. But a harmless make out sesh with a drunk person can actually be a great time. Since you’re sober, you can pretty much guarantee you’ll be the better kisser and look amazing by comparison. You can also be in total control and steer the smooching whichever way you want. OK, I feel weird about just having typed all of this. Let’s move on, shall we?

5. The feeling of superiority/accomplishment

Even though none of us have problems with alcohol (never!), it’s important to take a step back from drinking once in awhile just to show that you can do it. People can spend months/years drinking socially four nights a week without realizing how much alcohol they’re actually consuming. Just because you’re fortunate enough to drink as much as you want without developing a dependency doesn’t mean you actually should be drinking whenever you want. Alcohol is still a gnarly motherfucker that’s hard on your body. Choosing to remain sober while everyone is getting wasted will make you feel better about yourself, like you have some semblance of control over your life. TC mark

image – McBGL97