March 29, 2011

The 10 Commandments For Friends With Benefits

  1. Thou shalt never be close friends or close lovers with thy friend with benefits. Just comfortably distant everything.
  2. Thou shalt never get it twisted. Thou shalt always see thy friend with benefits as a buddy first and a hard cock/attractive vagina second. Any changes in feelings shall be reported to the other party immediately and be put under close examination.
  3. Thou shalt never give thy friend with benefits the following things: a mixed CD, a toothbrush, a massage, flowers, chocolate, a trip to the cinema or opera, a flirty comment on his or her Facebook wall, too many explanations.
  4. Thou shalt never get jealous of thy friend’s other relationships. It is illegal for thee to check thy friend’s text messages, hack into his or her email or ask, “Where the fuck was thee last night?! I tried calling thee 8,000 times last night!”
  5. Thou shalt never expect more from thy friend with benefits than an orgasm. Cuddling shall be kept to a minimum to avoid confusion. Thou shalt only make thy friend with benefits feel like a sexual animal with needs that must be met.
  6. Thou shalt only have sex with thy friend with benefits in the late hours of the night and early morning. Thou shalt never bone thy friend at 3:00 in the afternoon. That would mean tenderness, romance, a relationship, direct sunlight. Thou shalt never want that from thy friend with benefits.
  7. Thou shalt be drunk a lot whilst hooking up with thy friend with benefits. Drunk kissing, drunk touching, drunk undressing, drunk coming, drunk leaving. Thou shalt use alcohol as a shield from acquiring true feelings for thy friend with benefits. The arrangement shall exist under a filmy gauze. Thou shalt think privately that thy friend with benefits is two personality traits away from being the perfect significant other. So close, no relationship.
  8. Thou shalt realize there’s an expiration date for friends with benefits. Thou shalt understand that thou can only lie with thy friend with benefits naked so many times before things get muddled. After cumming a certain amount of times together, it’s only natural for someone to be tricked into having a false sense of closeness with their mate.
  9. Thou shalt eventually break it off and have no feelings of ill will. Thou shalt see thy friend with benefits at parties occasionally and wish they could still go home with thee. Thou will occasionally wonder if they made the right decision and if they could have ever loved thy friend with benefits. Those moments shall be fleeting.
  10. Lastly, thou shalt never watch the movie No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman in an attempt to relate or gain understanding about the unique arrangement of friends with benefits. TC mark