How to be Boring
Proudly proclaim yourself as boring. Say things like, “I’m such a Grandma, I swear. All I do is sit at home, knit, and go to bed at 10 p.m.. I never go out!” Wear a lot of frumpy vintage clothing. Never eat meat. Think this kind of lifestyle is intriguing simply because it’s contrary.
Have no idea how to carry a conversation. Answer people’s questions in a way that allows no more movement in the conversation. People will really hate you for this. It’s not fair to leave someone drowning in a conversation. You need to give them a life raft! Have trouble asking people things about themselves. This is either because you don’t care or you don’t know how. Regardless, talking to you will feel like a full-time job, like someone’s performing in the conversation Olympics. While this person is struggling to maintain some flow, you’ll sit there cloaked in awkward silences and monotone responses. “Yes. No. Do you want to see a picture of my cat?”
Be a “no add”—someone who just sits there and doesn’t contribute anything to any given situation. Have no set opinions. Ask someone, “Did you like the movie Bangkok Dangerous? I thought it was kind of brilliant.” Have someone respond with, “Um, no. That movie was retarded.” Nervously shift your answer, “Yeah, I can see why you would think that. Actually you’re right. It’s pretty dumb.” Avoid having opposite opinions and just be a chameleon. Think this will make people like you more, but in reality they will just see you as having no true identity. They’d respect you more if you were like, “Bangkok Dangerous fucking rocked. I don’t know what you guys are talking about!”
Have an underwhelming Internet presence. “Like” things on Facebook like Minute Maid and Triscuit because you genuinely like the products. See no problem with advertising that online. Make status updates like, “Beautiful day out today…Gonna run to Home Depot to look at tile!” Ot worse, post things about 20% off coupons at places like Macaroni Grill. Have friends post inside jokes on your wall about S’mores.
Have no sense of humor. Find true value in a Katherine Heigl comedy. Have your DVD collection consist of movies like All About Steve and 27 Dresses. You are the person who writes, “ANYTHING BUT COUNTRY” under their music tastes.
Somehow always be in a relationship. Fact: Boring people always get laid. It’s like they spot each other across the room at Kohls and they’re just like, “Do you like the color blue, In N’ Out, and Napoleon Dynamite? Let’s like be together forever in boring bliss. Let’s talk about the weather or reenact that “Van down by the river” joke 10,000 times and wear sweater vests and have no political opinions and be utterly bland like a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a 68 degree day.” Meanwhile, the people with a biting edge can’t connect with 80% of the population so they end up alone in bed with their opinions. I mean, what?! Tee hee…
Be happier than the average person. Boredom is bliss. Being boring is like floating through life in a sea of molten chocolate lava cake from Chilli’s and pasta salad. If you’re boring, it means you’re not paying enough attention. After all, life is too insane to be boring. Life is “Are you fucking kidding me? Let’s fight for this!” Life is “I feel things all the time. I’m interested in everyone’s story.” It’s not, “I love french fries and not knowing how to talk to people and I really think Josh Duhamel is a good actor.”
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