How to be an It Girl
Be a young pretty girl who fights her beauty. Roll around in the dirt, stick crumpled leaves in your hair, and have people marvel at your unusual features.
When you’re 15, sleep with a 26-year-old doofus eyesore who happens to be very powerful. Close your eyes each time you have sex and just say to yourself, “Nylon magazine. Lucrative endorsements. Close friends with Sean Lennon and Vincent Gallo.”
Grow a substantial Internet presence. Post photos of you wasted wearing a Hefty trash bag and Balenciaga gladiator sandals and watch 14-year-olds in Japan go apeshit over you. They’ll post things on your blog like, “U so pretty and fun! My english bad Sorry. I LOVE YOU.” Also post photos of you and your BFF (on the internet only, Sowwy.) running down the street laughing, being young and carefree.
Drop out of high school and do independent study. Explain to your parents that It Girls don’t go to regular high school. Have your mother slap her forehead and be like, “Whatever, honey. Mommy’s going to take her vitamins and drink her juice now. Love you, sparkle.”
If you don’t already have a unique name, adopt one. Name yourself “Tangerine” or “Jimi”. Make your Twitter name “Jimijimijimi” and tweet about the weather being shitty in Los Angeles. Watch it get 77 retweets.
Have Nylon come calling and ask you to be on the cover of their annual It Girl issue. Tell them you have an algebra test that day, but you’ll see if you can get out of it. Have the person from be like, “OMG. That’s genius. We’re including it in the article.”
If you haven’t already, get really into drugs. Project this childlike sense of wonder on the internet and post pictures of you and your friends having picnics and flying kites. Neglect to mention that you were all on Percocet when you did these things. Tee hee!
When the Nylon cover comes out, stop fucking the 26-year-old eyesore and date someone from Kings of Leon.
Get an endorsement from a jewelry company that makes funky bangles. Show up high to the photo shoot and ask for a slice of pita bread for lunch.
Start hanging out with major celebrities. Help Chloe Sevigny get over a major breakup. Tweet something like “Love my slice of Chloe. Feel better, babe!” Give Sean Lennon a handjob and hear him talk about post-modernism for five hours. Do coke with Lindsay Lohan because you heard she was insane and sleeps on top of a pile of couture after selling her bed for drugs.
Go to any and all parties. There’s a party for Multiple Sclerosis at Soho Grand? You love MS! You’ll be there. Will Mark Ronson meet you after?
Have no personality. Be unable to carry a conversation and have it not really matter. When people ask you what you actually do, respond with, “I do Jimi.”
Be over the hill on your 21st birthday. Move to Paris and make menstrual art. Go from being an It Girl to That Girl.
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Unfortunately I can only speak to a heterosexual couple because that is my only area of experience. However, I don’t imagine there is much difference except for my stereotyping in the first step, which is facetious anyway. 1.
1. You don’t wake up to a Christmas tree–you wake up to bagels and a prolonged discussion about whether the family should consider going to a new bagel place because the lox aren’t sliced thin enough.
I thought that a man crying was a rare and ugly thing, certainly nothing that I would encounter in my romantic life.
You were a founding figure in the “adorkable” movement.