March 3, 2011

Dear Gay Dude: I Think My Gay Friend Wants To Bone Me

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What is the issue?

Dear Gay Dude,

Recently, a good friend of mine and former roommate, who happens to be gay, made a pass at me through a facebook message. He knows that I’m straight and threw in, “two thoughts: I want you to be gay, and I want you to be my boyfriend.” Does that mean he respects my straightness and just wants to put it out there? Is he joking?

I responded with a simple and generic message about being flattered and that I wish I had the same response from women. Unfortunately, I broke up with my girlfriend and have been in a dry spell. With extra time on my hands the ambiguous message has lead to some over analyzing.

This could just be common sense talking, but maybe the dude is just horny as hell. He’s been in the Peace Corps in bum fuck Africa for the past 2 years. Unfortunately for him, homosexuality is REALLY looked down upon over there and he has not been able to get so much as a handski in the bush.

I don’t want things to get weird so I’ve already made plans to see him when he gets back to the states. Ironically, I think we’re going to the Chicago pride parade in June. Why not? He’s gay and I’m down with equality and like to have a good time as much as anyone.

What is the proper way to handle the situation? My instinct is to just not bring it up and play it by ear.

-Thanks for Playing but Not Interested

Dear Thanks for Playing but Not Interested,

Last night I saw this film called Heartbeats which is about a gay boy and his best girlfriend who vie for the affections of this ambiguous Adonis. Throughout the movie, they create a kind of love triangle and in the end, the gay boy professes his love to the dude and ends up getting totally rejected. Even though the babe has been flirty towards him, he acts shocked and says, “What would ever make you think I was straight?” Ouch. The point of this reference is to illustrate the complicated relationships gay boys often have with straight men. Why is it so complicated? Maybe it’s because, as a gay guy, you encounter your fair share of sexually confused straight dudes. You get a crush on them and then after a night of whiskey and revealing conversation, the straight guy is totally hooking up with you. At the time it may seem wonderful and daring, but the gay guy usually gets fucked in the end (figuratively and literally} because he freaks out afterwards, deletes the friendship and runs back into the arms of warm safe vagina. I’ve been with three straight guys myself, and today they all have girlfriends and are kind of scared of me. I don’t know what to really say other than, being straight is sometimes gay.

I’m not insinuating that you led your gay friend on at all. I’m just saying it’s tricky. Crushes develop and gay men want to test the Kinsey scale. Personally, when I befriend a straight guy, I’m hypersensitive to making them feel comfortable which is kind of screwed up. But it’s because I feel like every straight guy thinks a gay dude wants to fuck them, and it’s so annoying. They view us as these sexual piranhas who just want to get them drunk so we can take advantage. To that I say, you fucking wish. I also don’t like it when a straight guy becomes close with a gay dude to show just how evolved he is. “Look, I have a gay friend. Aren’t I so modern sexy cool? It’s crazy because he likes dick and I don’t! Wild!”

OMG sorry, I’m not talking about you. Your gay friend actually told you he wanted to be your BF so your concerns are actually rooted in reality. What he said was definitely inappropriate. Maybe he was hoping that a sliver of you would be like, “Well, I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be with a dude…” which you obviously don’t  My advice is to just drop it. He’s already probably shame spiraling about the fact that you gracefully turned him down. If he starts making gross sexy comments to you at Pride just be like, “You’re making me uncomfortable, okay? I love you but I don’t want to sleep with you.” Oh dear, I hope it doesn’t come to that. That would be very traumatizing to the both of you.

I think you’re going to handle this like a champ. You seem like a levelheaded guy and…kind of sexy too. Gee, do you wanna maybe get a glass of wine and talk about this further? I’m really good with straight guys. J/K!!!!

Love,

Gay Dude TC mark

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