Thought Catalog
February 10, 2011

The Five Types of Friends Everyone Should Get Rid Of

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What is the issue?

The Party Friend

If you’re the kind of person who likes to get wild on an occasion, you probably have a party friend. This is the person you call when you want to rage because they always know where are all the parties are happening and usually have unlimited access to illegal substances. Hanging out with them is a guaranteed “good time” and you invariably end up doing something insane, which will later lay the foundation for the paper-thin friendship. You like the party friend, but you actually don’t know a lot about them. Sometimes you wonder if they do normal things during the day like go grocery shopping or run to the post office. You also wonder if they’re actually happy and if so, how they could live this lifestyle you only experience once or twice a month. Then you stop thinking about it because it might ruin your fun. Buzzkill.

The Internet Friend

An Internet friend is someone you communicate with mostly in the virtual world. You write on each other’s Facebook walls, tweet @ each other and make clever inside jokes, but you rarely ever hang out. If you do, you’ll take lots of photos to document the event to give the appearance of a close friendship. Here’s the thing; if you communicate with someone too much online before getting to know them IRL, you’re shooting the potential friendship in the foot. After awhile, the idea of hanging out just becomes too weird and you worry about your internet chemistry translating to real life. These friendships are like a modern nightmare.

The Sane Friend

The sane friend is the person you go out to dinner, have deep talks about relationships and maybe go to the movies with. They’re the anti-party friend, someone you hang out with to decompress, not to get riled up. I mean, they give really good advice and are really sweet, but they’re also as exciting as a rice cake. Maybe you’re even sort of embarrassed to be seen with them in a social setting because they dress weird, make awkward jokes or whatever. You like them because they’re normal and grounded in reality and it’s almost refreshing to be friends with someone who doesn’t have any major issues, right? Yes, but if you feel the need to keep a friendship separate you probably shouldn’t be hanging out with them in the first place.

The Friend Who’s Not Your Friend

The friend who’s not your friend is essentially a frenemy. Even though they’ve never done anything to you, there’s an intense competitive vibe. Ironically, frenemies are usually the friends that are most like you. You have the same goals, taste in significant others, style, and that’s sort of the problem. They’re too much like you and it freaks you out so instead of combining forces and creating a powerful friendship, you become at odds with each other. You’re fake supportive/for real devastated when they encounter any kind of success because they’re going after exactly what you want. You know what you should do though? Get over it. Delete your Tom Petty jealousies and insecurities and just be real friends. If you can’t, then cut the lines of communication off. At least then you’ll be behaving honestly for once.

The Depressed Friend

The depressed friend is someone who has a perpetual dark cloud hanging over them. Whether it be with money, relationships, or jobs, they just can’t seem to catch a break. They’re sad, pessimistic and a full-time job to hang out with because you have to prop them up. “Babe, he does like you. Babe, you’re going to get that job. Babe, you aren’t fat!” It doesn’t matter if you have the solution to their woes. They have a permanent residency in Bummer City and despite what they say, they like living there. Their angst gives them an edge and a sense of purpose. My advice? Cancel your RSVP to their long-standing pity party and tell them to see a therapist. Otherwise, you’ll start charging them for their constant complaining. TC mark

image: Friends

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