Drugs I Will Never Try
The Kind of Person Who Does Them: Bearded men who believe in conspiracy theories. Earthy chicks who buy organic and have an appetite for enlightenment.
Why I’ll Never Do It: Of my group of friends, I’m probably the only person who hasn’t tried ‘shrooms. I haven’t ingested fungi, danced in a meadow in Santa Cruz and felt like the sun was speaking to me. My main beef with ‘shrooms is the whole “hallucination” thing. Call me cray cray but I don’t think it’s fun to see things that aren’t actually there. I have trouble seeing real people like Heidi and Spencer Pratt without having a nervous breakdown so I doubt seeing the wall move and turn into different shapes would be fun for me. I’ve also heard about people having bad trips and feeling like they’re being dragged to Hell. No, thanks. I’ve been to Hell and its called Christmas with my family. I have no desire to go there twice a year.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”