September 21, 2010

How to Appear Cooler on Facebook Than You Really Are

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What is the issue?

Being cool on Facebook is an art form that I’ve mastered through years of trial and error. Here’s what I’ve learned.

When it comes to being awesome on the web, it’s important to remember that less is more. Think of yourself as an Internet minimalist, if you will, and avoid making status updates like this one: “Had a beautiful day out with the BF! We ate Thai food, and went to Target to look for new curtains. Now it’s time to watch How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days in bed! Snuggle.”

There are so many things that are uncool about this. First off: Go eff yourself because I’m single and starving and Thai food sounds amazing right now. Secondly: You’re going to Target to pick out curtains and spending your night watching an almost-funny rom-com? We all do that. We all go to Target to pick up our face wash and deodorant and spend the occasional night in with our Netflix accounts. I mean, cool people can’t be going to super cool parties and be hanging out with super cool people all the time. Sometimes they need to detox by having a night of eating pickles out of a jar and Googling The Olsen Twins. The difference between the cool and the uncool is that the cool person never talks about doing any of these mundane activities. It makes them sound just like everybody else and that’s their worst nightmare. They are not like you, okay? They are golden gods who crap Polaroids and sweat Marc Jacobs perfume.

If for some reason, you haven’t left your apartment in a few days or done anything noteworthy, you can write something like, “Having the worst anxiety. Taking a Xanax, burning sage and listening to The Cocteau Twins. Never leaving my apartment.” This status works on so many levels of cool. Having anxiety, for example, is really cool. Being anxious and not knowing how to deal with things/life/boyfriends is in right now so it’s totally okay to write about drugs like Xanax on the Internet. You can never write about coke or mushrooms or acid because that’s just too real, but discussing anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills like Ambien is socially acceptable.

Listening to The Cocteau Twins will always be cool and saying that you’ll never leave your apartment is hyperbolic and therefore super funny. Everyone will know that you’re mostly kidding and that you’re just decompressing from your super cool fun stressful life.

Now lets talk about your actual Facebook profile. On your Interests section, don’t write things like, “Hiking. Tennis. Laughing Till It Hurts. Hanging with my girls and getting crazy!” Instead, type in lower case letters (it’s more whimsical) and say things like, “cashmere. sleepovers. goths.” That’s it. Only write three vague things that don’t actually reveal anything about your personality. It will leave people wanting more and thinking, “Who is this person who types in lowercase and likes cashmere, sleepovers and Goths?” A cool person, that’s who!

When it comes to the music section, keep it similarly short and sweet. You need to list two hip bands next to a mainstream one. Write something like, “the slits. tiger trap. katy perry.” because you know what’s cooler than a cool person liking cool bands? A cool person liking an uncool artist. It’s just so…unexpected.

Lets talk about your photos. If you really want to be dedicated, you’ll only make your profile pictures visible. In this technological age, you can’t trust that your best friend Chloe isn’t going to tag a photo of you drunk and eating a hot dog. (Remember that Chloe secretly hates you and wants to see you fail.)

But I understand that most cool kids are too narcissistic for that and they need their friends to see any and all photos of them dancing in that downtown club doing coke off of Vincent Gallo’s penis. (Just kidding on that last part. The Internet doesn’t know you do coke.)

Just be very particular about which photos stay tagged. Don’t exceed over 500 because it makes you look like a desperate socialite. De-tag photos taken with a cheap digital camera. Allow only Polaroids, Lomography, and photos taken with a Yashica T4.

Let these photos project a sense of superiority and effortlessness and always keep the following pictures tagged: You on yachts, eating In N’ Out on a sidewalk outside of a club, hanging out with your fabulous best friend who equals you in coolness (in reality, she might be a sociopath nightmare but you guys look great together in photos), the occasional “I’m real and have a family” photo of you and your niece, holding a champagne bottle, talking on your Blackberry in a cab, hiking in Los Angeles in a crop-top to show that you’re healthy and exercise and don’t do too many drugs. Last but not least: any and all photos of you looking expensive.

So that’s it. You’re cool on Facebook now. Have fun but also be careful. One photo of you holding a nondescript red cup of booze with the friends from your “old life” and you’re back to writing about eating Thai food with your boyfriend. TC mark

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