Every summer, your face blurs a little in my mind. The corners of your square-rimmed glasses don’t seem so sharp anymore. Your laughter isn’t constantly ringing in my ears, like a stupid song that won’t get out of my head. Your eyes lose their appeal in my thoughts. Coffee doesn’t remind me of your fluffy brown hair. The stars don’t align to form your name. The sun doesn’t shine for you, it shines for me.
And I think: finally, I am moving on. Finally, I’m not enchanted by you anymore. It’s finally a new beginning: I’m finally me, and not a part of you.
But then the leisure days are gone. The long afternoons fade into busy evenings. The water in the ponds still once more. The flowers stop dancing, the birds go home. The green leaves bid their goodbyes.
And then I see you, after months apart. And there it is – that same gleam in your eyes. That same song in your laugh. And that brown hair that’s grown longer since the last time I saw it.
And it hits me, all at once: the enormity of your very existence. I realize the gleam of your eyes can never match the sun. The melody of your laugh can never match those of the birds. The flick of your head can never not ripple the ponds. And that the sharp corners of your glasses will always pierce right through my heart.
And I realize I’m back to square one. That there is no other place I’d rather be. And that there were no new beginnings, ever.
That there can never be a new beginning, without you.
Every summer, your memory ripens in my mind. Your face is twice as sweet. Your voice, twice as lovely. You come to me in my dreams, in flowing dresses and flower crowns, and you say, honey, let’s run away, flashing your lovely teeth as you hold out your hand.
And in every dream, I take it. I let your fingers glide over mine, slide onto my wrist, slither into my heart. In every dream, I let you sweep me away; melt me from the inside out, and spread me all over your arms.
But then the leisure days are gone. The wonderful journeys fade into desperate searches. The birds stop their hypnosis. The breeze ceases to carry me along. And the green leaves turn around to reveal their true colors.
And then I see you, after months apart. And there it is: that same neediness in your eyes.
That same hollowness in your laugh. And that poison on your skin that just never rubs off.
And it hits me, all at once: the repulsion of your very existence. Your whisper, like a tickle before, is the Devil’s knell now. That flower crown swiftly breaks into two. Those drapes aren’t your dress, they’re a noose around my neck. And those lovely teeth bite right into my heart.
And I realize I’m back to square one. That there is no other place I’d rather be. And that there was no dream, ever.
That nothing can ever be a dream, as long as it’s about you.