Thought Catalog
June 15, 2017

Not Giving You The Chance You Deserved Was My Biggest Mistake

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What is the issue?
Ryan Pouncy

Time check. 3:27 AM. And I am writing this and thinking of all the possibilities that we could’ve been if I had let myself fall for you. When I saw you again for the first time in months. I felt something different. Something that I should have felt when you were still courting me.

I was too busy chasing guys after guys who didn’t give a fuck about me. Guys who took me for granted. Guys who were disgusted by all my flaws. Guys who almost made me hate myself so much because of how they made me felt so small and insecure.

When you were this guy, that no matter how much I despise myself for having a lot of imperfections, you still made me feel the most beautiful person in this world. You’ve always been there, helping me to get through the day when I don’t have the motivation to go to school at all. Your “corny” sense of humor cheered me up when I’m feeling down. You always put your best effort to make me happy. You embraced every single bit of me, inside and out.

Now I ask myself, why am I so stupid to realize all these just now? If only I would be given a chance to turn back time, I would go back to that moment of our lives. And I would do the same.

After that conversation we had that night, with all these stars above us, I felt peace. You took away all of the doubts and the loneliness inside of me.

I regret leaving and thinking that I would find someone better. When all that I need was you.

Not just because I missed you, or because I’m feeling lonely or so. I like you better now and not just the idea of being with you. I like you because of who you are as a person. You’ve also changed. You’ve grown into this more mature young man. It’s evident that you’re genuinely fine and happy to where you are right now.

That’s why I don’t want to interfere in your life anymore.

I want to have you again so badly, but I see that you’ve moved on already. And I don’t want to ruin that. I never want to ruin you again. Because I’m aware of how difficult it was for you to work hard in able to attain the joy that you have now. Quite frankly, it hurts, but I’m really, really happy for you.

I don’t want you to endure once again the pain that I have caused you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not thinking that you were not good enough before. I’m sorry that I had to leave because I thought it was the best for me. I’m sorry for all the things that I’ve done that hurt you.

And thank you. Thank you for loving me even when I was a terrible person and when I let you down. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for supporting me and making me believe in myself since day one. Thank you for always letting me know how much you care and for all those “good morning” messages you sent. Thank you for loving me even when I didn’t deserve it. And most of all, thank you, for seeing me. TC mark

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