It’s hard to imagine that someone who loves you and cares about you won’t have your back when you need them to, but as much as you want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they did it for their own good, it’s also hard for you to accept that reality because if the ones who love you don’t have your back, then who does?

Those who love you claim that they won’t let anyone hurt you but sometimes they walk hand in hand with the ones who did and say that they don’t want to get in the middle of anything.

Those who love you tell you that they’ll be by your side no matter what, that you will never have to face anything alone, that they’ll take a bullet for you but then you find yourself standing alone, at gunpoint, wondering where everyone went.

Those who love you claim that you’re their number one, that you come first, that they’ll choose you over anyone else but when it comes down to picking their team, they don’t pick you, they leave you off the list and they ask you to find another team because their team is full.

Those who love tell you that you’re the best, that you’re kind, brave and exceptional but then treat you like you’re ordinary, they treat you like they don’t respect you, they treat you like your opinions don’t matter and they leave you questioning their words, their loyalty, their friendship and their love.

It’s hard to witness someone you love walk out on you or do something that you asked them not to. It’s hard to know that someone you love can see you cry because of what someone else did and go on to defend that person or continue to put them on a pedestal.

It’s hard to know that the people who have your back can sometimes backstab you.

It makes you live with caution, it makes you deem everyone untrustworthy, it makes you want to be alone and it makes you not want to tell anyone how you feel or the reason behind your tears because eventually they make you cry too. Eventually, they turn into the people you once talked to them about; the ones who betrayed you, the ones who lied to you, the ones who disappointed you.

It’s hard to trust people when the ones who should save you from disappointment are the ones disappointing you.

How could they be the remedy to your wounds when they’re the ones making you bleed? How could they be your eyes when you can’t see when they think you’re invisible?

Sometimes those who love you only love you when it’s not costing them anything, when they’ve got nothing to lose but then they start showing their true colors when loving you comes with a price. A price they can’t afford.

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.