Thought Catalog
April 10, 2017

I Followed My Heart But It Didn’t Lead Me Back To You

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Twenty20 / @jlk2004

I let myself go.

But I didn’t go to you, I didn’t run to you like I normally would. I found myself running, running away from you. I found myself chasing something real, something reassuring, something beautiful, something honest.

I found myself going after things you would have never given me.

I followed my heart but it didn’t lead me back to you, it pushed me away from you. It turned the other way; it’s finally heading in the right direction. It’s not lost anymore.

I wanted to sleep at night.

So I went after those who comforted me, those who helped me dream, those who didn’t make the nights harder or longer, those who didn’t sneak out in the middle of the night and those who stayed until the morning – those who didn’t leave unless I asked them to.

I followed my heart and it led me to the one who stayed. The one who didn’t make it apologize for feeling too much or loving too hard. The one who didn’t think the knots in my heart are messy, the one who untangled them with ease.

I wanted to learn how to love again.

So my heart didn’t go back to you again, my heart stopped falling into the same trap, repeating the same mistake, loving you just so you can destroy it.

My heart moved on. My heart is trying to be happy. My heart no longer confuses misery with love.

I wanted to smile again.

So I asked my heart if you’re the one who will make it happy, if you’re the one it belongs to — it hesitated for a while and then remembered all the tears, all the confusion, all the nights you made me doubt myself and all the days you didn’t make me feel like I’m good enough. My heart reminded me that you’re not the one. It reminded me that there are better things ahead. It reminded me that you’re an example of what to avoid. You’re the reason behind the tears, you’re the reason behind the pain.

So my heart learned how to smile when it walked away.

People always told me not to follow my heart because it always leads me back to you, little do they know that now my heart is healing and it’s walking away from you.

Little do they know, that my heart will never settle until it finds the right home; the home that will never abandon it, the home that will always hold it and the home that will always keep it safe and warm. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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