Thought Catalog
March 23, 2017

Maybe All I Need Right Now Is Myself

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What is the issue?

Maybe right now I don’t need love. I don’t need a man. Maybe I just want things that are wrong for me at the moment.

Maybe I still need to expand my horizons, travel across different oceans, meet more people who will inspire me and just have the freedom to choose where to go, who to be and what to do without having another human being distorting my perfect picture.

Maybe I still need to learn more about what kind of love I want. Do I want a traditional kind of love? The one that’s safe and steady. Or do I need an adventure? A wild kind of love. A love that can’t be tamed.

Maybe I still need to know if I’m trying to find love or if I’m just trying to understand my heart. Maybe I need more time to figure out what my heart really needs. Maybe I just need to cleanse my heart from all the damage that I’ve caused and all the cracks I stabbed in it. Maybe I need to love my heart the way no one knew how.

Maybe I need to be for myself everything I’ve been asking people to be for me. Maybe I need to be my person for now. Hold my own hand. Hug myself to sleep. Learn to be my biggest fan.

Maybe I just need myself right now because anyone who comes on my ship might drown. Maybe I just need to sail away by myself because no one knows how to guide me. No one knows where I belong.

Maybe God keeps leaving me alone for a reason. Maybe he doesn’t want another person to distract me from myself. Maybe he keeps reminding me that I’ll never find what I’m looking for if I can’t find myself.

See, I believe there are two kinds of people in this world; the ones who grew up craving stability, safety and security and they are the ones who marry young. The ones who never have problems finding one partner after the other. And then there are the ones who grew up craving magic, adventure, euphoria and they are the ones who always struggle; the ones who don’t know what kind of lover they want, the ones who always want love but don’t know what to do with it once they find it.

Maybe I’m meant to experience more heartbreaks than love because I’m my own security. I’m my own safety. I’m the only one who knows how to calm the chaos in my mind and heal the wounds in my heart.

Maybe I’m just meant to kiss my own scars because I’m the only one who knows how deep they are. I’m the only one who knows how much they hurt.

Maybe all I need right now is me because I need to work on the relationship with myself. To fix the years I tormented myself. To mend the broken pieces. To reshape myself. To redeem myself.

Maybe for now, I’m the one for me because I need to learn how to live with that — all of it. I know I can live with myself forever, I just need to figure out how to make the most beautiful and most meaningful relationship of my life. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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