“And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.” — Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

I’m tired of believing that people mean what they say, that those who say they like you actually do, that those who tell you they want to see you and hang out with you will follow up because they said they will. I’m tired of mistaking lies for the truth every single time.

I’m tired of believing people who say they’ll call, then they disappear for weeks or months or forever. I’m tired of believing words, waiting for their actions to come to fruition. I’m tired of believing that people will eventually be who they said they would be, that people will always come around and show up like they’re supposed to.

I’m tired of believing the people I made up in my head instead of seeing them for who they really are.

I’m tired of being told I’m too naïve or I read too much into things. I’m tired of being told not to believe everything people say and watch their actions.

I’m tired of falling for the wrong ones every time because they said they were right.

I’m tired of seeing the best in people and believing that this is who they’ll be with me.

I’m tired of being a victim of my own expectations, of my own intuition, of my own radar. I’m tired of being the one who is always left disappointed or shocked or baffled by someone’s behavior. I’m tired of being the one who’s always hurting.

I wish I could meet more people who mean what they say, who call when they say they will, who show up because they want to, who talk to you genuinely and openly because they believe that you have a connection. I’m tired of faking things and making them look real. I’m tired of having deep conversations with people who forget them the next day.

I wish I was able to forget looks, to forget sparks, to forget how someone made me feel. I wish I could just go about my day without thinking about any of it because it probably meant nothing — it was probably just a moment. It was probably just a mistake.

I’m tired of mistaking heartbreak for love and excuses for reasons. I’m tired of believing everything that I want to believe and ignoring reality. I’m tired of reality. 

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.