November 30, 2016

The Truth Is I Thought About Reaching Out But I’m Scared

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What is the issue?
 Jesse Herzog
Jesse Herzog

I thought about it. I still do. A lot. Maybe more than I should. But I can’t help it.

I thought about what I’m going to say and I never know how to start. Should I say ‘hello,’ should I say ‘I’m still hurt’ or should I say ‘I miss you.’

Should I tell you the truth or should I lie?

Last time I was honest with you, you didn’t take it very well, last time I poured my heart out to you, you left me empty and now it’s even hard to ask about you, it’s hard to send a simple hello because I know you will read too much into it and I know I will expect more than a one word reply.

I thought about how it will make you feel, will it put the same old smile on your face? Will you roll your eyes, put your phone aside as you enjoy your date or will reply fervently because you’ve been waiting for it, you’ve been waiting for an invitation to break the ice because you’ve been breaking too.

Should I just say something or should I give up?

I thought about what will come out of it, will we start over? Will we just keep ignoring each other? Because we’re getting so good at it, or will one word be all it takes for the essays to come back?  Maybe one word can bring back the long conversations that never end and the deep questions that bring us closer. Will it bring back us?

I’ve always told you I was fearless but the truth is you scare me, the past scares me, the old wounds are still healing, the same heart fluctuates from loving you to hating you, from missing you to blocking you and from wanting you to forgetting you.

Maybe I’m also waiting for you to reach out because I need a sign from you, I need something that tells me that it’s safe to enter your territory again, that even if I make a wrong move, I won’t get burnt. I need to know that you’re waiting for me because I can’t be an unwanted visitor again.

I want to throw caution to the wind and just reach out without expecting anything but I don’t know if I can handle a response I don’t like, or even worse, no response at all. Because sometimes I think that if you really wanted to reach out, you would’ve reached out — a long time ago.

I don’t know what will happen if both of us are waiting for the other to say something but I can only hope that one day I’ll wake up and your name will pop up on my phone again and maybe then I’ll say everything, maybe then you’ll truly know what you meant to me and how hard it’s been without you.  TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and the author of the book All The Words I Should Have Said.

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All The Words I Should Have Said is available as a physical and electronic book. You can buy it here

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