October 14, 2016

There Can’t Be Any More ‘Maybes’ Between Us

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What is the issue?

We’ve been through it all, we’ve been through all the phases that anyone in love could possibly go through.

We’ve been through the confusing phase; the are we or aren’t we? The texting games, the playing hard to get, the meaningless things we did to make each other jealous until we both caved in, until we both confessed, until one night, we said it all.

You said it’s been me all along and I said it’s always been you.

You said I’m the only one and I said I don’t even want anyone else.

You said I love you and I said I love you too.

Then you had to leave and I had to let go, not knowing if you’ll ever come back, not knowing if I’ll ever love anyone the way I loved you and not knowing if there is anything worse than this feeling; the feeling that everything you ever wanted is no longer yours. The death you experience when you’re alive. 

The heart that no longer feels anything at all because it wasted everything on you.

But you came back, because something like this doesn’t just end, it lives on, it comes back, it’s what fairy tales are made of, it’s what we secretly live and hope for and it’s what we dream about.

Until it was time to let you go again. This time it didn’t hurt as much or maybe I just got used to that kind of pain. The pain of loving someone who will never be mine, the pain of giving someone a chance knowing that they will blow every chance you’ll ever give them.

But I decided that as long as you’re alive, my door will always be open to you but I’ll have the lock.

So this time you’re trying to get in, you’re knocking on my door and you’re certain that I will let you in as I always do and you’re right, I will.

Only if you promise that you’ll never leave. Only if you promise that this is the last time you’ll use distance or time or work as an excuse. Only if you promise that you’re ready to do this and do it forever.

Because there can’t be any more ‘maybes’ between us; we’ve wasted them all.

There can’t be any more trials or chances, there can’t be any more years wasted on trying to make this work.

Because this time, my heart is tired, and it just needs to rest.

This time, if you’re not all in then you’re all out.

This time, it’s all or nothing.

And this time, you either love me with all you’ve got or you’ll never see me again. TC mark

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