October 11, 2016

I’m Not The Girl I Used To Be When We First Met

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 MacKenzi Martin
MacKenzi Martin

I’ve changed, mainly because of you.

I’m not going to believe everything you say anymore because I’ve heard it all before. I’m not going to stay all night waiting for you because I know now that you might not show up.

I’m not going to drop everything to be with you because you always close your door when I knock on it.

I’m not going to wonder all day and all night if you love me, I’m not going to think it must be me. I’ve learned to love myself more and love you less.

The problem is you changed me but it’s exactly what I needed to become a better person, to become a stronger person and to become a wiser person. A person who doesn’t believe your sweet lies.

I’m not going to push away other men because they’re not you. I’m not going to go out on dates and think of you all the time.

I’d be lying if I said you’re not on my mind, but you’re no longer the only one in it. I’d be lying if I said I’m over you but I could still see myself with someone else. Someone who could treat me better, someone who is sure about me.

I’m not the girl I used to be when we first met, I’m not the girl who loved you more than she loved herself.

But the truth is, I like who I am now more, I like who I’m becoming, I like how you and I are now both equal.

I like how I don’t think you’re better than me anymore or that I’m lucky because you’re talking to me.

I like how now I can love you for who you are not for who I think you could be.

I like how you can now see who I really am, not the one I pretended to be to impress you.

You changed me when you walked away because you made me realize that no matter how hard I try to keep you, it won’t make you stay.

You changed me when you made me feel like I meant nothing to you because it made me realize that it won’t matter as long as I mean everything to myself.

You changed me when you failed to love me so you made me love myself.

The truth is, I’m not the girl I used to be when we first met, so don’t expect that girl again and I hope you’re not the boy you were when we first met.

I hope all these years we spent apart growing up and rediscovering ourselves helped us appreciate each other, helped us appreciate the innocence and the honesty we shared.

I hope these years helped us realize that we both deserve to find the love we’re looking for even if it’s not with each other.

Until then, I’m warning you that I’ve changed, but I promise you I’ll still be the girl who loves with all her heart — I just won’t give it all away to anyone anymore, because at the end of the day, it belongs to me and it’s a part of me.  TC mark

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