Let’s Stop Saying That We’re “Fine”
I am so glad that we’re both fine. I mean, it wasn’t my original plan, but since you sort of spearheaded being fine I thought it best to just follow suit. Seriously, how awkward would it have been if one of us hadn’t been fine? I’m just saying it’s a godsend that we were both able to walk away from our relationship and both are totally, completely, mind-numbingly fine.
It wasn’t like I loved you or anything, so why wouldn’t I be fine? It wasn’t like you made me happy or anything. Because if you had done any of those things, I definitely wouldn’t have been fine.
It’s not like I loved your apartment because it reminded me of you, with its chipped crown molding and pristine washed dishes and shoes always lined up in pairs because you were always tidy and I was always in disarray. I’ll tell you what, if that had been the case, that last day in your apartment would have made me awfully sad. But since I didn’t feel that way, I’m fine.
I never spent my days waiting around for you to text me back because I couldn’t focus on anything, knowing that an unanswered text message was out there floating around in the stratosphere, waiting for your reply. I never spent entire days thinking almost exclusively about you, and one fleeting moment with you was never the best part of my week. My friends never tired of me constantly bringing you up in conversation because, of course, I never did bring you up. Because I didn’t like you that much. That’s why I’m fine.
I’m so happy that I didn’t share all my personal baggage with you, and I’m glad that you never did the same. I’m glad that after the night in which you didn’t tell me your secrets, I didn’t rub your back until you nodded asleep, whispering “It’s ok, you’re ok, I love you.” Because believe me, if I had done that, I would probably be a little attached to you, and then I wouldn’t be fine.
I didn’t sacrifice things for you, I didn’t push myself out of my comfort level for you, I didn’t cater to you, I didn’t care about you, I didn’t think that we were doing anything besides having fun, I didn’t secretly hope that we would become something more, and I absolutely didn’t think that you were thinking any of those things. Because if I had thought that you felt any of those things for me, I probably would have been crushed after you ended things to abruptly. Severing our ties for all of eternity. Because if that had been the situation, I may have done some drastic things, like lock myself in my apartment for three days with nothing to eat except an old half-finished bottle of Bacardi, refusing to answer phone calls, untying myself from the outside world, hoping I would float away. Lucky for me though, none of that happened, and we’re both fine. Really, I am so fine.
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To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.