As women, we typically hate the Other Girl. When we find out our boyfriend was seeing someone else, we tend to not like the Other Girl more than him. But, the farther I get away from what happened to me when I was cheated on and when my friends have been left for someone else, I see clearer. I have found my anger and hatred turn into sadness. I have become sad and feel bad for this particular Other Girl.

At first, we don’t take into account that this guy probably wasn’t honest with her. He wasn’t honest to you, so what would make him any more honest in the situation with the Other Girl? We don’t know what they were fed too. We ate up his lies, so can you blame her too? We can say, “It was clear we were in a relationship on Facebook!” But who knows what he was telling her. He could have been telling her problems in your relationship (real or fake) and that he would be breaking up with you next week. We don’t know.

When we become sober from the toxic relationship that we were in and when we are healing our hearts, we finally see those red flags and negative things we hadn’t picked up before. We now see the things our family and friends would try to warn us about. Maybe he was controlling. Maybe manipulative. Or maybe he was too immature or just simply not good enough for us. But we scoffed, rolled our eyes, and cued the stream of excuses for him because we seem to be good at that. Making excuses for significant others.

Now that you can finally see what type of person you had been dealing with, the Other Girl doesn’t seem so bad. Yes, there is some caddy Other Girls. They can do petty things such as start “liking” all of his Facebook updates the moment he changes his relationship status as if they had been waiting for days to do so. You can be annoyed, just don’t let it get to you too much.

But now, I may be feeling too sad for them. I should care less what happens with the Other Girl and her new boyfriend. It’s none of my business and not my problem now, right? But I can’t help to get a little sad knowing a girl got a second-hand, unoriginal proposal when I know it was the same plan he had made with my friend he was in a serious relationship with just months before.

It’s a little haunting to see your ex not be able to look at this Other Girl the same way he did with you. With love and pride that you are his. She doesn’t get that. She doesn’t have a cute story of how they met and started their relationship. It’s overshadowed by lies and unfaithfulness. Or her version of the story might be totally different than his. The air of dishonesty may lurk for a long time. She might forever wonder if the same thing will happen to her. She may be living self-consciously.

As the girls that have been cheated on, we can be pissed. Our feelings can be hurt. We can think she won and that we came in second. We can say she took our love away and our dreams we had with a man we thought was the one. And we can hate that she took away our sex too.

We can spend all night trying to figure out how she could be better than us. Because we think she must be if he is with her over us, right? No. I have come to find that I’d rather think about all the wonderful things I gained instead. How much life became better.

I think about the numerous people I have met, the trips I have taken, the adventures I have been on, the drunken nights I have had with my best friends, and all the times I have danced my heart out. I think about all the first kisses I’ve gotten to experience and the dates I’ve been on. I think about all the things I’ve learned I could do on my own and how it feels empowering. The things that would have never happened had I still been with him. I smile. Because my life became a lot more fun once I closed the door.

There are no more fights. I am no longer changing my dreams for someone else and no longer boxed in. I am not being controlled or manipulated. There are simply no more lies from him. The Other Girl now gets to wonder what the truth is. She has his insecurities and selfishness. She’s chained down now.

So I sit here. My heart can’t help but feel sad for these Other Girls. Maybe I am too nice, as I have been told. Maybe I don’t like seeing girls in that same dreadful position I once was in. But I also sit here wanting thank the Other Girl for hurting me. I want to thank her for taking it all away and setting me free.