23 Signs You’re Not In The Least Bit Namaste

1. You can’t do honey masks because you always end up licking them off.

2. You tore your hamstring in trikonasana. Twice.

3. You’re not good on planes.

4. You’re awful at natarajasana, but actually quite good at panic attacks.

5. You’re much more excited about the prospect of a Sia dance class than a Beyoncé dance class.

6. Then again, you’re not really sure, because the last time you tried to dance you pulled a muscle in your neck.

7. The thought of having a natural birth makes you lol.

8. Wearing a beret is simply not in your future.

9. A yoga retreat has always sounded a lot like jail to you.

10. After you did hot yoga that one (and last) time, you walked out of the studio, straight to the nearest ER, and admitted yourself for exhaustion and impending death.

11. You’re physically allergic to camping — aside for the s’mores part. S’mores you love.

12. You’re pretty sure your chakras are misaligned and you’re pretty sure you don’t care.

13. You don’t have a green thumb — in fact you kill every plant that crosses your path — but you DO have green veins that sort of pop out every time you’re running late.

14. You’re very proud to call yourself one of the seven people in the world who think acupuncture hurts in the same way needles do.

15. The only times you feel balanced are after giving yourself a middle part.

16. Just THINKING about Buddha makes you hungry.

17. You always thought Shavasana was a form of punishment. Now it just makes you nervous.

18. In a similar vein, you don’t find it a coincidence that Shavasana translates to “corpse pose.”

19. Getting sick and/or dying because you couldn’t take one breath while inhaling your plate of chicken fingers is a very real concern of yours.

20. More times than not, when someone taps your shoulder at work to ask you a question, your entire body seizes as you scream bloody murder.

21. You get an undue amount of pleasure from doing self-flagellating things like downloading that app that shows you who has unfollowed you. (Incidentally, you also know the app is called InstaFollow, but pretended not to know because you still think it’s possible to convince others that you’re namaste.)

22. You’re allergic to sandalwood.

23. You would only consider hugging a tree if it was a sure-fire ticket out of the woods.