25 Truths About Brooklyn

1. Should you ever be in Brooklyn and in need of someone who can cut down a tree or a large plant, be sure not to ask the first man you see. He’s not actually Lumberjack (strangely enough) and he will get offended.

2. In order to earn a spot at McCarren Park, it’s crucial you learn how to do at least one of the following: competitive hula hooping, tightrope walking, stilt walking, or juggling.

3. Before you hand someone a tissue, make sure you’re not mistaking a septum ring for a booger.

4. If you don’t know what it is, it’s probably performance art.

5. A general rule to always be wary of: anyone wearing something that bears a “Nets” logo is typically a fraud.

6. No, I’m terribly sorry, but the guy with the ukelele is not kidding.

7. The secret to fitting in? Terrariums.

8. No matter what, always say “yes” when asked if you’ve read Infinite Jest.

9. No, that’s not a bulge. It’s a pocket-sized version of James Joyce’s Ulysses.

10. Just make sure to watch where you’re going, okay? Because you’re probably getting in the way of a photo shoot.

11. I don’t care how dirty you want to look, never step foot in the McCarren pool. Besides, there are other ways to achieve the same filthy effect. Kiddie pools.

12. It’s becoming impossible to differentiate Brooklyn civilians from Brooklyn street performers. Probably because there is no difference.

13. Penn Badgley lives in Williamsburg and he wants you to know it. Acknowledge him; don’t let him down.

14. In Brooklyn, there are never enough book clubs. Try joining a book club and then creating your own sub-book club within the larger book club. You’ll be an innovator.

15. Emotions are locally sourced. Helps us remain self-sufficient and self-contained.

16. Yes, that is a dog sitting at a café drinking an earl grey tea and reading the newspaper by himself. Here we choose to not discriminate.

17. Brooklyn’s unofficial mascot is the French bulldog.

18. It helps if your cat can grow a mustache.

19. You can try and fight it all you want, but baristas will always be at the top of Brooklyn’s caste system.

20. The preferred method of communication is via latte art.

21. The L train is really just a front for competitive reading.

22. Brooklyn does not take well to cougars.

23. It’s a little-known fact that half of the babies in Brooklyn are really just props. A strong “baby look” can go a long way.

24. In the next couple of months, Brooklyn will be introducing the Whisker Sour. It’s made with a special Whiskey that’s fermented with the hair scraps from every one of Brooklyn’s barbershops.

25. In the BK, ping pong is a competitive sport that requires sneakers and gym gear (re: Pips).