Thought Catalog
November 27, 2013

How To Keep Your Platonic Relationships Platonic

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Gianni Cumbo
Gianni Cumbo

It’s not uncommon to think we’re all experts on platonic relationships—whether its asserting that men can never simply have one with women or insisting that your dude friend actually IS just a friend. Years of having guy friends have taught me that the only thing I can know for certain is that I truly don’t know how my guy friends feel about me. All you can really do is try to stay their come-ons and keep them in the friend zone as long as possible.

It takes time and oftentimes it takes being forced into an uncomfortable position to learn how to keep your relationships on the platonic end of the spectrum. I learned this skill set during my senior year of college. I had gotten to the point where I was too exhausted to feign excitement over blow-outs and jello shots, and so I started to only hang out with the people I actually liked. Which turned out to be two guys. Throughout my final year of college, these two guys were my best friends; the people I’d grab breakfast and dinner with, the people with whom I’d go out and with whom I’d stay in, watch TV and smoke. And it took no time at all for me to figure out that if I wanted to stay friends with them, I was going to have to lay down some laws.

The 5 Most Effective Ways To Keep Your Friend In The Friend Zone:

1. Talk to them about your love life/interests.

You’re going to want to chew their ear off even if there is no person in the world that merits this much praise. The aim is to drill the image of you sexually engaged with another man (or woman) into his head. And to just plain annoy them; typically, guys can’t stand listening to girls complain about their man problems, especially if it’s a girl they kind of secretly like. Talking about this an inordinate amount will not only hint at your platonic intentions, but will also annoy the shit out of him to the point where he may truly lose any interest he had in you.

2. Talk to them about your gross habits; share a gross story.

And please don’t get all airhead on me and tell him about those “gross times” you practiced French kissing on your best friend. That’s called a fraudulent gross story chicks typically tell when they’re desperate for male attention. I’m trying to help you out here; at least meet me half-way. Which means racking your brain for that loose bowel story.

3. Ask them about their love life.

The mere act of doing this will clearly distinguish you from the pool of girls he could be interested in and should therefore hopefully solidify your platonic bond.

4. Cry in front of them.

And note that I mean this more figuratively than I do literally. My point here is to make it known that you consider them a platonic friend who you can confide in. Do this by telling him something serious about you that perhaps not many people are privy to. They will have a really hard time hitting on you after this, if only because they fear it will imply that they were only feigning interest in your plight to get their dick wet.

5. Talk like a dude, act like a dude, sit like a dude.

This is the final nail in the coffin. The straw that should hopefully break the camel’s back. The big kahuna. Play this one right and you might never get hit on again.

A final thought: Despite your efforts, they will sometimes still be in vain. What I’ve learned is that alcohol will always be here, ready to wipe clean all of our priorities and reservations, and dudes sometimes can’t help themselves. Despite my efforts, for instance, one of those two “best friends” during my senior year would sometimes confess his love to me after having too much to drink. Thankfully, such confessions were ignored in the morning, with my pioneering this decision mostly because I just really needed him to drive me to the bagel store. But it still never allayed the ensuing awkwardness. Which is why, when you think you’re just re-instilling the friend zone by talking about your chapped nipples and then dude friend suddenly cuts you off with a curveball like, “I can apply the vaseline for you,” you should always be prepared. Stand your ground. Such offers should always be met with a stern “no,” and a repositioning of your legs, lest they are positioned in a come-hither type-of-way. This should ward off any come-ons for another hour. TC mark