14 Reasons I’d Rather Roll Over To A Hardback Book Than You

1. My book doesn’t talk back to me. And sure, this is at times an unbecoming trait, seeing as we can’t run with that astoundingly astute remark I just made and stay up all night deep in intellectual discourse. But more often than not my remarks will be neither astute nor too profound, but rather doltish and so it’s typically in my best interest that my book can’t talk back to me.

2. I own my book. And furthermore, I can sing Drake’s “Own It” to it as much as I damn well please without worrying I’m “offending” anyone.

3. Pick a guy up at a bar and you’ve got about a 7% chance that you’ll learn anything that night you don’t already know. Pick up a hardback book and not only will you always learn something, but you’ll look smarter too.

4. It’s always hard! And whereas for a dude this would presumably take a painful turn at some point or another, engendering complaints, with a hardback book you got yourself a partner who is guaranteed to be hard, minus the noise.

5. There’s no pressure to be fun or entertaining when waking up next to a hardback book; you could have smoked away all of your brain cells the previous night, and no one would be the wiser! You can relax knowing you’re not living with a perennial countdown to your next witty remark or comeback—something that is harder and harder to concoct these days.

6. Similarly, there’s no pressure to look good when you wake up. Remember in Bridesmaids when Kristen Wiig wakes up next to Jon Hamm and sneaks out of bed really early to put on makeup so that she gives off the impression that she just wakes up, every morning, with a casual shimmer on her cheekbones, voluminous lashes, and glossy, rose-tinted lips? Yeah, you don’t have to do that. Hell, you could wake up with a stye for all your hardback book cares.

7. I don’t have to share the comforters with my book, which serves me quite well seeing as I sleep best rolled up into my blankets like a spicy chicken taquito. And for that matter, I don’t have to share anything with my book; my book leads a simple life. Which means that breakfast sandwich is all mine too.

8. Taking care of my book involves nothing more than a simple, light-weight jacket.

9. “Ugh, that girl just laid there like a dead fish blah blah blah!” said the dude who had NO REGARD for his woman’s feelings or aching, old-lady bones. Sometimes all we really want form life is a night devoted to being one thing and one thing only: a dead muthaf*cking fish. My book knows this and even encourages such behavior.

10. Wake up next to a hardback book and worry not that an onslaught of stale, bad breath will sting your nostril hairs and pierce any remaining sleep-induced serenity.

11. You can also roll over in the morning next to a hardback book without having to dread that another human will stink up your bathroom at such an ungodly, early hour.

12. Sleep with a hardback book and the only thing you’ll be pregnant with are ideas and inspiration. And good news is these don’t need to be aborted.

13. Games are pretty much nonexistent when you’re in a relationship with your hardback book. It also can’t call or text, which further eliminates any unwanted stress from your life.

14. My book can’t give me AIDS. It could certainly teach me about AIDS, but giving it to me just isn’t in the cards.