This thing is Hitler’s wet dream though, in all honesty. It’s got jews, gays, and whatever Aziz is.
Anyway, I’ll start with the jewiest and work my way down. Sarah Silverman is here.
Andy Samberg plays a cop on his new Fox show. His first case will be investigating the disappearance of his new Fox show.
Every man wants to be him, and he wants to be in every mean. The prettiest guy I know, James Franco.
Look at me doing all the talking while you’re sitting there doing nothing. I feel like I’m co-hosting the Oscars with you.
Seth, what was it like working with Barbara Streisand? And how did you two tell each other apart? Did one wear a carnation?
James, I loved the movie Spring Breakers. Spring breaker is actually the name we give Jeff Ross when he’s sitting on a bed.
But when Jonah lost in weight, he gained in weight. Jonah, on a scale of 1-10, do you own a scale?
I know it isn’t easy for you, James. You overcame a crippling childhood illness known as dumbface.
You’re going to start a forest fire that kills like 20 people while making an experimental Vine video.
Dave, Dave…That sounds like a made up name. “Oh, James Franco has a brother? What’s his name? Dave Franco?
Kim Kardashian is here. Oh wait, no that’s Aziz. I just get them confused because they’re both brown narcissists on Kanye’s dick.
First I was wondering why James Franco would do this roast, and then I saw Spring Breakers and I was like, “Oh! He’ll do anything!”
Let’s see…who else should I lampoon. Wow, look at this dais, a word I knew before tonight. Somebody must’ve told the producers this is a panel of Kenny Rogers roasters because you guys are a bunch of chickens! Thank you.
Natasha Leggero, she’s basically unknown, but tonight we’re getting the same amount of money! Roasted you…
Roasting so hard right now.
Hey here’s a fun fact: James Franco has a tiny dick. James’s dick is so small that I had to suck it for like three hours just to get him hard.
Anyways, he railed me up the ass, up and inside of my asshole, with his gigantic Planet of the Apes cock. James is so bad in bed that he doesn’t even clean his jizz off of my back when he’s finished. Talk about chivalry is dead.
Hey James: Knock knock.
James: who’s there?
I think about you when I jerk off.
Jeff Ross knows what I’m talking about, you melting hippo.
All I’m saying is, James has force-fucked me so much dick that you could make foie gras out of my liver.
Also, I think it’s cool that some of you guys were able to travel back in time to 1995 for those Indian jokes you did. That’s so cool, man! Those stereotypes are so outdated, my god.
First off, I’d like to thank my niece Seth Rogen for hosting.
When Quentin Tarantino asked Jonah Hill to be in a spaghetti western he was like, “You had me at spaghetti!”
Bill Hader, too bad you can’t do an impression of a guy with two equally-sized eyes. Man, look at that, get a close up. I’ve heard of a lazy eye but that left one’s collecting unemployment.
Aziz has been charming audiences and snakes for years.
And I guess you’re here tonight Aziz because Kanye had a real baby so he doesn’t need you anymore.
How you doing, Franco? You look like Johnny Depp but with lupus. Franco is half Italian and half asleep.
Give a hand for James’s grandma, 91-years-old! How ya doing, grandma? 127 hours is as long as she has left.
This is truly my punishment for The Oscars. America and the rest of the world can have a cathartic moment after this airs.
I agreed to do this roast because I really wanted to do something that I’ve never done before, something with zero artistic value, something nobody will remember in three months from now, something that’s offensive, homophobic and stars horrifically untalented people.
You say I suck at The Oscars—I was a genius at The Oscars, that was experimental tuxedo sleep art. You’re going to say I’m a pretty boy and you don’t know how painful that is. I’m always typecasted as the same guy: handsome wizard, handsome meth dealer, and handsome clumsy amputee hiker. Just once I’d like to play some of the diverse roles that Nick Kroll gets.
If I’m wearing high heels I’m going to have to wear a beautiful gown. I know I look terrific as a woman and I’m certainly doing a better job at it than that guy over there dressed as Sarah Silverman.
The jokes suggesting I was gay, coming from you Seth…It really hurts because it reminds me of that time on the set of Pineapple Express when Seth Rogen tried to rape me. Forced his way into my dressing room, blew pot smoke into my mouth, pinned me beneath his sweating, heaving body. Luckily he was distracted by the sound of an ice cream truck outside and I managed to break free, but seth the incident did inspire my latest painting entitled Seth Rogen Is A Gay Stoner Rapist.
And I say, well you don’t understand my movies? Well I don’t understand my movies!
So you guys think I’m pretentious. Well James Franco addressed James Franco being pretentious in his book, James Franco.
So all night I’ve had to sit here listening to everyone’s jokes pretending to be so amused by them, when in reality the joke’s on all of you. This is not a roast. This is my greatest, most elaborate art installation ever. I’m not the real guest of honor, these aren’t real comedians and we aren’t even on a real network. What you see tonight with my brilliant opus to sequester it an artistic visionary and subject it into the mindless incoherent trashings of a scattering of mistreated talentless abnormalities. I call it, “Genius, Unscathed” and this is my masterpiece!