My 12 Best Responses To Bitter Thought Catalog Commenters

By Rachel Hodin

Hey, I’ve got a riddle for you: what pays, takes up most of your waking hours, and rhymes with mob (as in, “You f*** with me one more time, and I’m gonna go MOB Wives on your ass.”)? That’s right, a JOB you fools. Which you might have if you didn’t spend so much time hating on my articles. But thankfully you don’t, and thus I have more material. Boom, diggity.

I don’t typically read the comments on my articles—in fact, to be honest, the ones below constitute the only comments that I have ever read. What I’ve gathered: I have a knack for propelling people into a maddening, blind rage; few people know the meaning of satire; and even fewer people have lives.

But really, what is it, dear troll, that makes you so bloated with resentment? Something interesting about you guys: you love to disparage a writer’s work, but rarely reveal YOUR identity when doing so. I’d like to have a little tête-à-tête with you ill-tempered humans (are you even human?) to see if you could say to my face what you can so easily say behind the guise of anonymity.

And so, it’s high time I put your hollow threats and zest-less zings to rest! After all, I am a “do unto others” type. So kids, step out from behind your computer screens, and let the games begin!

1. Don’t call me “Hodin”

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

2. Commenter attempts zing with condescending remark regarding grammar

See what I did there? I killed her with kindness.

3. “Chris” tries his hand at a zing using a rhetorical question

Here, I showed Chris who’s boss, by responding as if I didn’t know his question was rhetorical!

4. “thank you” simply doesn’t know what he’s talking about…

Referring to picture #2 in my article “11 People Who Need To Stop Talking,” “thank you” takes “pickle”‘s side. Little does he know, that costume is not a pickle, and that man is my friend. People can be SO dumb sometimes, GOD.

5. Why “nikki” can’t just change the “u” to an “a” and throw in an “h” is beyond me

Here, a lesson in zinging: sometimes all it takes is a little one-two punch to stop them from vomiting up “wut”s.

6. Sometimes my fans are so funny! Hehe, love you guys, lolz

(note: I’m playing dumb. In hopes that they’ll go away.)

7. Again, the simplest zings are often the most effective

A remarkably poignant comment, “guest,” might I add.

8. SOMEONE needs to let loose…

…and her name is Jen.

9. “YUNGTEXAS” tries…and fails

For reference, here is his Disqus profile that I mentioned:

10. To say I zinged “FactCheck” would be putting it lightly

11. Evidently “watts” thought he was the zing master

But then I showed up and shut. it. down.