October 30, 2012

How To Be Less Intolerable On Social Networking Sites

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What is the issue?

We know, it’s Monday.

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All Monday mornings suck. Relaying your feelings about every particular Monday morning will not make the next Monday any less deplorable nor will you have contributed anything of importance to the world by sharing your thoughts. You hate Mondays? Every single week? I’m so glad we’re friends. You continue to dazzle me with your remarkable ability to observe and comment on only the most obvious, trite happenings. Keep up the good work. We are dying to hear what genius theory or notion you share with us next.

Don’t complain about mundane, commonplace things.

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You have to do laundry today? Your elementary, pre-beginner, remedial Spanish test is tomorrow and you want everyone to know how difficult and arduous your life is? The “friends” you have compiled in the 10 years you’ve been mercilessly complaining on Facebook DON’T CARE. Your laundry will be done one day (or it won’t), your test will come and go, and your 1 inch haircut will ruin your life until it doesn’t anymore. The vapid statuses you mindlessly come up with, however, will forever make me want to punch you in the face. (I lack both the physical ability to punch with any impact whatsoever and especially the cojones, so you win this time.)

Don’t be aggressively political.

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We get it. You’re a die-hard Republican. You love Romney and hate birth control. While everyone has a right to their own opinion and while, understandably, Facebook, Twitter, your personal blog and your dog’s personal blog all have the power to influence others, (and manipulation is one of your favorite pastimes) relentlessly sharing your opinion and bashing the opinions of others is mind-numbingly annoying. Continuously getting into arguments with others who don’t share your same opinions and providing links to articles that favor your opinion every three minutes (we know how to use Google, too) makes everything about you and especially your opinions unbearable.

You have successfully influenced me… to dislike everything you believe in. You’re upset about this proposed law? Then, I LOVE IT and want some more of it. You want this candidate to become president? I hope he sleeps with four interns immediately and then changes his mind about running for office because he doesn’t like the hours, after all. Catch my drift? One’s ability to influence goes far beyond what he or she says. If you want to represent someone or an organization, don’t be a tyrannical asshole. Nobody wants to hang out with a tyrannical asshole especially when we’re already facing one ghastly crisis. Don’t be the second one.

Don’t publicize every detail of the demise of your relationship.

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Taylor Swift does have an uncanny ability to read the mind of EVERY GIRL who ever lived. Her lyrics are wonderfully shitty, concise and cute. Insta-status? NO. Your private life should remain private. While it may seem like your world is caving in because Rob, the guy you met three weeks ago at Chili’s, isn’t returning your calls, no one needs to know because nobody wants to nor is it any of their business.

I fervently encourage expressing and nurturing one’s self through inexhaustible venues but when it comes to relationships, social media should never be one of them. Know that you’re better than copying and pasting an old Kelly Clarkson lyric (really?) onto your Facebook, or putting up a vague but conveniently fitting status about how much love hurts, especially when he lies to you, cheats on you with his cousin and now wants you back.

Social media is invasive but you have the ability to let it go only so far. Respect yourself and what you’re going through. You clearly have something to share so call your best friends; they actually care. Tim, some kid you went to pre-school with and who is now a medical student (props, Tim) in Omaha, doesn’t.

Don’t, under any circumstances, take lewd pictures of yourself.

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So you’ve accomplished what you set out for. You look… single. What you’ve failed to notice is that you’ve accomplished far more. By taking a picture of yourself, scantily clad and wearing more make-up than the real housewives of wherever combined, and posting it on Facebook, you have shared quite a handful about yourself: 1.) You’re unabashedly vain and obsessed with yourself. 2.) You’re good at editing. 3.) You have little to do when you’re sober and should probably pick up one or two or eight new hobbies. 4.) You maniacally adore attention. 5.) You own every push-up bra Victoria’s Secret has ever made.

Your Facebook page is not your personal porn site. Your days should not be made by random guys commenting on your boobs. Rekindle a healthy relationship with your father, or if that’s not possible, read a book. (And no, in your case, 50 Shades of Grey does not and will never count.) Or, alternatively, smash your laptop into tiny pieces (sledgehammers, bowling balls, a tenacious, angry young man etc. will do) and we’ll call it a day. TC mark

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