Thought Catalog
January 23, 2014

Ask Askani: Sex Q&A With An Adult Film Performer

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I wrote an article called How To Blow Like A Pro: 10 Don’ts of Giving Blowjobs back in late October and it has received such an overwhelming response that I decided it was time to start a sex Q&A column. Since going live, the article got more hits than the back of my throat and I’ve received numerous e-mails like the ones shown in this first Q&A post from girls and boys alike, asking me for sex advice ranging all across the board. I couldn’t be more thrilled. As a porn performer, I’ve always embraced the exhibitionist side of me, and even though I am not performing with men anymore, I am glad I can help people to any extent; it warms my heart to know people have come harder and more often because of any of my work, written or performance. You ladies and gents rule!

Questions for future editions of Ask Askani can be directed to a new email address I set up specifically for this column, straight to AskAskani@gmail.com! I look forward to hearing from more of you. As a reminder, your name will always be kept anonymous and if there is part of your question (background information that may help me but isn’t necessary to be posted) you would rather me not share, just let me know. I’m here to help. If I receive a question I cannot answer off the top of my head from personal experience and gained knowledge, I will turn to my various resources, including other sex workers and professionals in related fields, a variety of sex books on my shelf, and perhaps even my mom, who is the coolest nurse in the world.

Subj: Painful Sex

Hi Phoenix,
I need advice because I’ve been having sex with this guy I really like and for some reason it’s always feeling like a lot of pressure when I’m the one on top like it’s too deep. What can I do to get over this and not be disappointing to him? Thanks!!!

Dear Cervix Punches,

I’ll start by saying I can completely relate. When you are on top, is he sitting/laying and you are facing him in cowgirl? Remember that in this position, though you do have control of depth, it is easy to sit too far down. Not every vagina is the same. Also, during different parts of your menstrual cycle, your cervix may sit lower or higher. I have sex with a man with a longer penis (when I say longer, I mean anything over 6-7″) very often and though caught up in the passion in the moment, sometimes my cervix is a little swollen or sore after. I usually just take some ibuprofen, pee after, and take a hot shower to relax. I think your best option is to try some different positions that may work for your body and the angle of his penis better. For instance, sometimes I like to turn around and do a reverse cowgirl either with him sitting on the couch and both of my legs inside of his (this will do a number on your hamstrings though if you aren’t stretched out… feels like doing squats but with a big dick inside of you so it’s a lot cooler than squats) or when he is laying down, put my legs on the outside of his and bounce my ass up and down while riding him and leaning forward towards his feet. Changing the angle will effect the depth, so you just have to try new things to see what is the most comfortable for you and your sex partner. Another position I would recommend is spoon! When laying down, shift your weight to one hip and open up your leg enough for him to enter you from behind, also laying on his side. This is also a great opportunity to look back and make some sexy eye contact, but it is a good “resting” position when both people want to be off of their feet and knees! I hope this helps some. Good luck!

Subj: Embarrassing

Hi Phoenix,

I’m 21 and just starting out with sex so I have so many questions but I’m kind of more nervous than usual because the guy I’m seeing is 32 and really experienced. I’m super scared to do doggy style anymore with him because today we tried it for the first time and I had the most embarrassing thing happen.. I queefed. He was really sweet and mature about it and said it was a natural thing but I kinda freaked out and left. Is there anyway to prevent this??

Dear Embarrassed Girl of Legal Drinking Age in the US With Air Escaping Out of Her Vagina,

I know queefs can feel awkward and embarrassing, but it’s just air escaping that usually happens from a position shift or a release of air that goes into your vagina during sex, so the penis pushes it out. It even happens to me sometimes! It is very normal and if you’re comfortable with your partner, you will learn to laugh it off! I’m sure if he a grown mature man he is more than understanding. My advice would be to laugh it off or ignore it and focus on the pleasure! Don’t overthink it… he is paying attention to more important things and so should you :) If you still feel awkward about this, just google it and you’ll find that it’s way more common than you think!

Subj: Advice!

Dear Phoenix,

Firstly I’d like to say I really enjoy reading your articles. I randomly came across the “How to blow like a pro” and I wish you could find such good advice more frequently on the internet.

This is the reason I am contacting you… I lost my virginity quite late compared to most girls, when I was 20. I did have a few partners but so far I was never able to fully express myself in the bedroom. It’s largely due to my lack of confidence given the little experience I’ve had.. I am not insecure in life, I believe I am pretty, smart and very attractive to men. Therefore, this lack of confidence when it comes to getting physical is a huge weight over my shoulders.. and the more time passes the worst it gets. I am currently in a relationship with a guy I am completely crazy about, luckily we are in a long distance relationship so time tends to cover up for my sex-fails when they occur, but I’m afraid I might lose his interest if I don’t get a grip and wash off these insecurities. My biggest questions are: what do men like and in particular: what the hell am I meant to do when I’m on top?! How do I know if he’s enjoying it without asking silly questions and how do I please him? I hope you either write an article about this or answer my email, it would be so great.

Keep the good work up and please give me some insights on how to get over this!

Dear Wants To Hop On Top,

First off, let me say, I felt awkward on top when I was younger and less experienced. How did I change that? Improving my confidence, watching feminist porn, having a lot of sex, and trying new things! I bought books about the female orgasm and various sex positions books you could even find at Barnes & Noble and Urban Outfitters containing cartoon images of people doing wild things like doing handstands and fucking at the same time… start out simple, and when you have that position mastered, move on to a more challenging and exciting one!

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter when you lose your virginity. Who cares what “most girls” do. It’s your life, your body. Moving on…

From what I understand your concerns are not with your body image, but with your performance in the bedroom. That being said, it all comes down to communication, trial and error, and simply having more sex when you two have the opportunity. I actually lost my virginity to someone I was in a long distance relationship with, and it was so awkward… we actually had to TRY several times before we successfully had sex, because my vagina did not want to let him in (I’m sure partially because I was nervous and it was my body reacting to that). I don’t know how else to explain that, but that’s besides the point… I’m wondering what you consider to be a “sex fail”.

In the past, I have fallen over in heels when trying to be sexy, had “Charlie horse” cramps in my legs or feet from being in a position for too long or incorrectly, queefed, started my period in the middle of the action, and I’m sure I could keep going with plenty of “sex fails” I have experienced, but these aren’t uncommon. When you’re with someone you truly care about and the passion is real, it doesn’t matter if things don’t go perfectly every time. The closer you grow, the better the sex will become and any “awkward fails” will be laughed off. With a new partner, especially when you don’t get to keep at it very often, you have to learn what positions and sex practices work best for both of you. Do what makes you feel sexy and feels good to your body and his! Remember – it’s about everyone involved having a good time.

This brings me to my next point: You HAVE to communicate with your partner! You BOTH need to know what the other likes in bed or is turned off by. Don’t worry over “silly questions”. When you’re not having sex, perhaps even over the phone to work up the excitement of your next visit, consider asking questions like “What are some new things you’d like to try?”, “What’s your favorite position with me?”, “Would you consider yourself an ass/boobs/leg guy?”, “Do you have any lingerie or wardrobe requests for the next time I see you? I’d love to dress sexy for you!”. This will help you determine your next moves. Sometimes before I head over to my partner’s place, I’ll give him the option – do you want me to wear those thigh high socks you love tonight? Heels and fishnets? Maybe a pretty bra I can pull my boobs out of or sexy panties you can pull to the side? (We are both big fans of the idea of leaving a little of my clothing on during sex, it can give a sense of urgency and added visual stimulation!) Beyond that, knowing what parts of YOUR body specifically he loves the most will help you put on the best “show” possible. I like to tease with my ass, crawling around on the bed and shaking it a little (trust me, I’m no twerking expert, I just move my hips around to some music and show him that booty so he gets all riled up) and rubbing it against him before he even has his pants off.

I digress to our main point: HOPPIN ON TOP! There are many ways to go about this, most commonly the traditional forward-facing cowgirl and ass to him “reverse cowgirl”. Both of these provide an excellent view for your partner to enjoy while you go at it. Some things to keep in mind when getting on top are to make sure your partner is nice and hard before you lower yourself carefully onto his penis to avoid any discomfort. I like to start out slow which ever way I’m facing, with my legs straddling his body, gliding up and down the length of the penis before I start bouncing with more gusto. Just because you’re on top doesn’t mean you have to do ALL the work, you can lead his hands to your sides to help support your body or hold your body a few inches above him so he can thrust up from the laying position as well.

You can grind when he is completely inside you, forward and backward and in circular motions, which will more than likely feel especially great for you because of the simultaneous clitoral stimulation. You can even rub your own clit while riding in either position if you want to. Once you get a good rhythm going, you can use eye contact, a little dirty talk, kiss him, and touch his chest, legs, and hips to stimulate other parts of his body at the same time. When you’re in reverse cowgirl (a great position for g-spot stimulation, much like doggie style), glance back over one shoulder while arching your back to give him a great view and show him you’re having a great time as well. Regardless of which way you are facing, you can either keep your knees on the bed on either side of him or plant your feet firmly on the mattress (or floor, if you’re willing to try being on top while your man is sitting in a chair, I love to do reverse cowgirl this way with my legs between his or outside of them for varying feeling).

Being on top can take a lot of energy out, so practice those squats and stretching out a little before hand won’t hurt, and it’ll help prevent cramping. If you need a break, take one, and offer to get back to it after another position. If his penis pops out, just reinsert it and get back into rhythm (again, I find that fun music helps me keep a good rhythm) to keep things going, just be careful not to accidentally come off the penis and land on it uncomfortably, the last thing you want to do is bend the penis or cause a serious injury. You can sit up creating more of a 90 degree angle with your bodies while riding, or lean forward to kiss him and allow your breasts to come within his close reach, perhaps not just for his hands but also his mouth.

There are many variations, the key is just to try different things and gauge his reactions or even communicate during the sex by turning your “silly questions” into dirty talk. Something like “You’re so deep inside me, do you like when I ride your dick like this” is a good go-to, but you can mix it up as you change speeds, and if your man is even remotely vocal (I always say there are a) moaners, b) breathers, and c) talkers but some do all of the above) you will know which angle and speed is working for him based on how he reacts to your gyrating, bouncing, sexy body on top of him. He wants to see you in all of your glory and trust me, he’ll appreciate the work you put in! Remember, men exert a lot of energy when they’re on top too, I can only try to understand this perspective from my experience with fucking women with strap ons… that shit takes a lot of lower back, hip, and leg work. I hope I’ve given you some ideas and I wish you all the luck with your sexy time and LDR. TC Mark