I hear the “ding.” I see the name on the screen. For whatever reason, I’m choosing to ignore it, or I don’t know about it because I was doing something better. I’m pretty sure we have all been there. I’m to the point that a few of the most important and frequently texted people in my life have their own text sounds so I know when I should actually pay the most attention. If I’m not responding to you or it’s been hours, chances are:
1. I’m focused on having sex with someone I actually like.
2. I’m having an extraction party in my mirror with Mr. Blackhead.
3. My phone is probably just dead. Yeah. It’s totally dead. Yep.
4. I leave my read receipts turned on my iPhone just to torture people. I saw it and I just haven’t opened it because reasons.
5. I’m way too stoned to figure out how to put words together. In the case that I ate an edible, it is likely too difficult to even manage typing “hi” and hitting send.
6. I’m ignoring you and I “passed out” but really I’m just reading in bed and not existing in phone land right now.
7. I am helping my friend look for her pet rat that escaped as she was trying to clean the cage. I can’t just be sitting there on my phone when there is a serious pet situation.
8. I’m not sure how to respond to that incredibly confusing and irrelevant meme you just sent me.
9. I was buzzing one out and my Hitachi Magic Wand is louder than my text alerts. Priorities, dude. Besides, my phone autocorrects “masturbating” to “madturbatong.” I can’t really explain that one.
10. I’m posting what I’m doing on Facebook and uploading my last meal to Instagram, both of which take precedence over your message.
11. “It was on silent.” …and buried in the abyss of my purse while I dance with a drink in my hand.
12. You took forever to respond to my last text so now I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine. How immature and dramatic of me!
13. I am actively trying to push you away by being passive. I may actually just come out and say “leave me alone” if my phone starts having a seizure due to the influx of alerts from you.
14. I am pretending to not be awake yet or your timing is just terrible.
15. I’m an asshole.