September 11, 2015

Tinder Made Me Have A Threesome

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Caterina Appia
Caterina Appia

Okay Tinder didn’t make me do anything, I just wanted to cover my ass in case my mom reads this. But yes, I did have a threesome and no it was not as terrifying as I thought, it was hot.

I have always considered myself a straight girl along the spectrum of sexuality, as I had only ever been with guys. I hadn’t even Katy Perry-style kissed a girl before, I was a total lesbian virgin. Kinky right? That is until I had my ménage à trois with Cameron and Jen.

Thanks to the Ruby Rose craze I started to get a little curious about the idea of girls. I had always been very liberal and accepting with sexuality, contrary to being raised by old school immigrant parents, and I had a strong belief in pansexuality – although I never actually cared to experiment.

One by one as my friends succumbed to traditional monogamy I became desperate and by desperate I mean I was five glasses of wine too deep and recklessly browsing on my phone. I had never tried a dating service before but since I’m from the 6ix I thought F*** it, #YOLO and downloaded Tinder.

I have to say, my thumbs were sore as hell from all the swiping, seriously I think I saw a little bicep thingy growing on it. By day two, I had forty+ matches/chats going with all different kinds of men. I got bored, naturally, and so my friend and I thought it would be interesting to check out the ladies-seeking-ladies side of Tinder. Lesbians, I am SO sorry if you rely on Tinder, there was literally only a handful of scissoring sisters to choose from in my area. For shits and giggles I swiped right on one cute girl: Jen.

Jen’s profile stated that her and her ‘gentleman friend’ were seeking a fun, cute lady to join them. Within five minutes, we had Tinder matched, exchanged numbers and nudes and set a date. I couldn’t believe it. Me, the girl who at the time, had slept with maybe three and a half men in her entire life, had successfully organized a threesome.

Fast forward to the big night, passed my four anxiety attacks, five outfit changes (cause WTF, how do you appeal to a chick and a dude) and two “sorry I’m running late” texts to when I met the couple outside a bar on Ossington Street one August night. They claimed they had walked passed me accidentally and hugged me apologetically. Jen was more petite than she looked in her nude, Cameron was the same. After a night of bar hopping and Cameron’s need to fill all silent pauses with rambling, we drunkenly arrived at their apartment. Dear God was it small, but what wasn’t small was their two dogs which to this day I think were wolves.

Tensions were high since no one had been flirtatious to each other all night. I sat next to Jen on their pet hair covered sofa and nervously pet the wolves while downing shitty sangria. In an instant, Cameron bent over and began making out with his girlfriend. Still going strong with the canine’s, I was unsure of what to do with my limbs. Jen sweetly cusped the back of my neck and pulled me in bucket list: kiss a girl.

Cameron moved fast, ripping his jacket off, getting acquainted with my vagina while also making out with Jen – a true multitasker. He got naked quickly, like an inappropriate eight year old on his way to a water park. Oddly, Jen gagged on her own boyfriends penis (because damn was he hung) and left the room for a few. Cameron and I continued making out until I told him it probably wasn’t good threesome etiquette to continue while she was absent (information I gathered from Google).

I should mention that A) I vowed to my best friend I would not sleep with anyone upon meeting them the first time let alone sleep with two people and B) I would NEVER go down on a girl EW. That night I broke both those promises. You know that ‘heat of the moment’ thing? yeah, all too real.

I thought taking the plunge and going down on a girl would be traumatizing, since my mouth has only had dick and carbs in it, but it wasn’t. It helped that Cam took charge since I was in unfamiliar territory. Like a seductive commander he would sternly suggest what we did next— “sit on her face,” “ride me while she sits on mine,” “get on all fours,” and so on. Between the two of them I craved Jen’s tender kiss and trembled with pleasure in response to Cam’s aggressive yet skillful dick game.

Being the third party in a threesome emits such a euphoric blast of passion; two people who are deeply in love are craving your body in every which way. Some memorable moments from the evening included having Cam tell me how badly he wanted to bang me from the moment we met (as he thrusted himself inside me) to having the first ever female oral guest speaker present between my legs. But the BEST of the night was having the couple cooperate as a team and eat me out simultaneously (#TMI).

“See? Just some good, honest people that are into some kinky ass shit” Cam had whispered in my ear as he forked me from behind. I remember wondering if they had become so raunchy they relied on outrageous sex things like threesomes and group orgy’s just to get off because white people missionary position just didn’t cut it anymore.

After Cam finished on our faces, we laughed, searched for our panties and like a symbolically cliché New York flick, we climbed onto the fire escape to get some air. What was odd is we never spoke about the threesome in itself outside the confines of those minutes we spent fucking – not before, not after. Pulling through some awkward small talk I ordered an Uber and made my way home, shamefully at 3am.

Being a lover of constructive criticism, I was happy to receive follow up texts the next day about how great of a time they had and how we should do it again sometime. I was never attracted to one or the other more, they each had something I desired to fuck, but the lust that drew me into them was their love for each other as a couple.

Would I do it again? Probably. Would I do it with my future boyfriend? I’m not sure. I think a couple who agrees to a threesome is either extremely secure in their relationship and are cool, erotic badasses or are unsatisfied and looking for an honest way to cheat. I can’t tell you which Cam and Jen are just yet so I may need to do more “research.” TC mark

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