March 30, 2011

Being Depressed Has Benefits

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What is the issue?

Depression may seem like something the majority of the population tries to avoid, but let me tell you from experience, it ain’t half bad. I was mildly depressed as a teenager and it kind of sucked, but that’s only because my adolescent self didn’t know how to recognize this beautiful gift that was being bestowed upon me. Now depression is a serious matter that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I can tell you from experience how the loss of energy, sadness, and disinterest in life makes you no fun at all. But come on baby! Teenagedom is but a distant memory now that you’re in your 20’s and in control of your brain homeostasis. So, depression, even though you made me question my sanity at 16, here’s a few positive aspects you possess that the world just can’t seem to understand.

5. Depression gets you attention if you’re a middle child

I am a middle child. This is probably the hardest thing to cope with in the universe. The oldest sibling can do absolutely no wrong and the youngest sibling receives all the love and the illest Christmas presents. What do middle children get? Indifference. And what do we want the most? ATTENTION. This is where the big D comes in handy. It is scientifically proven that depression will drive family members to a middle child like ignorance draws in Republicans. So even though your older sister is the darling of the family and your younger brother is almost 21 and is still allowed to submit Christmas Lists to your parents, rejoice middleseed, ‘cause when depression hits it is momentarily all about you.

4. Depression keeps unwanted people at bay

If you’re not an attention seeker adhere to this precept. Ever tire of hearing about your coworkers fishing trip stories? Are you sick of giving your relationship-hungry friend advice? Well then a teaspoon of melancholy should cure this unwanted melodrama. Depression puts up a certain wall that reads ‘keep your problems at a distance because I’m just too mentally fatigued to give a shit.’ You may be a drag to be around but at least you can avoid forced conversations or that awkward lunch with your boss.

3. Depression weakens your appetite

This may seem like a negative thing to say, but usually when you’re depressed the dollar menu at Wendy’s is just not numero uno on your do to list. Let’s put it this way: do you want to be happy and have atherosclerosis in your arteries, or not have the desire to eat and fit into your new Levis? Thought so.

2. Depression is sexy

Anytime a bout of depression strikes me now and lowers my energy I take this as a blessing. My personality is naturally energetic/goofballish. Not a good look. It is a known fact that the opposite sex does not find hyperactivity sexy. So use this new state of cool as a weapon to up your mojo. Even though the depression will make your desire to have sex nil to zero, at least your increased level of swag will compensate for not being able to get it up.

1. Depression Gives You Incredible Sleep

Although I am well aware of the plethora of adverse effects depression offers, including irregular sleeping patterns, when it comes to keeping me in deep slumber it’s the friend I can continuously count on in onslaughts of insomnia. I haven’t been able to sleep for the majority of the year due to work, stress etc. This week, however, I’ve been kind of down (blessing in disguise) and decided to take a nap. I haven’t taken one of these things in a year so I doubted I could fall or stay asleep if that. An hour later I awoke from the best fucking nap of my life. I think you finally catch my drift. TC mark

Peter T. Bedu

Peter T. Bedu is currently residing in Delaware for science related purposes. His main hobby is concocting new …

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