The 11 Different Ways Your Girlfriend Will Sigh At You
1) She just realized how many fantasy sports teams you have. (And that one is named, in the most unflattering way, after her mother.)
2) A sigh that accompanies the levels of fundamental ennui — such that poets have yet to be able to fully articulate — with which she’s stricken when looking at the contents of her closet.
3) The “I have to pretend I’m offended, but I secretly love that you said my butt ‘is the reason why God invented eyes’” sigh.
4) The initial reaction sigh when she discovers that you grew facial hair. (Important to note that female sighs care not for irony.)
5) The “I just realized I’m wrong, but we both know I’m not going to admit it, so I am going to pretend I find you too tedious to continue discussing this with” sigh.
6) The unmistakable sigh when a celebrity she doesn’t know personally, and will never meet, has the audacity to have a tacky wedding or improperly name their child.
7) The “Oh I’m just checking to see if you’re paying attention” sigh.
8) The sigh you hear from the kitchen when she realizes that your late night foraging resulted in the wasting of expensive French cheese on your ignorant palate, when it was obviously meant to be experienced during an informative and uplifting viewing of ABC’s The Bachelor.
9) The entrapment sigh. ”You heard a sigh? Interesting. Guilty conscience? What have you done that would make me sigh?” Tip: Do NOT admit to how much time you spent looking at pictures of Anne Hathaway dressed as Catwoman. I can’t stress that enough.
10) The phantom sigh. She’s out of town, yet you still hear it echo in the corners of darkened rooms. It’s just… chilling.
11) She caught you writing about her different sighs on the internet. This particular sigh is followed by a glint in her eye as she remembers that she knows the passwords to all your fantasy sports teams.
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As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
Join me in this mystical voyage through the most pressing reasons why potatoes deserve our love.
Not even the least sexually inhibited are immune to awkward moments between the sheets. The reason for this, I believe, is twofold. First, we’re all susceptible to the involuntary nature of bodily functions.
Thank you for breaking my heart right before I was about to fall in love with you.