33 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
1. I cheated on my girlfriend of eight years which caused our eventual break-up. I did not/do not feel good about it.
2. Sometimes I eat cereal without milk, but I prefer milk.
3. I will offer to pay for meals on the first three dates. After that, we will awkwardly decide to split the check or you will pay.
4. While I can be a music snob (Animal Collective is God) I love pop music in a non-ironic way. If you do not, get over yourself.
5. Farting en plein air is on the table after ten dates.
6. You will drive most of the time. It’s not that I don’t like driving, it’s that I love not driving.
7. I’m 6’2″ but I like to be the little spoon once in a while because I probably wasn’t hugged enough.
8. I’ll write about you.
9. I can cook 1-3 dishes and they are mediocre, but it’s from a guy so you will love it.
10. I like giving oral sex more than receiving it and if you think that’s pandering have you seen the rest of this list?
11. Must love baked goods.
12. Chest/thigh/belly/shoulder hair is a thing you’re gonna have to deal with.
13. PDA is for rare occasions like firework displays or witnessing a person get hit by a car.
14. I am awful at dancing as well as new to comfortably doing it in public so I will embarrass myself/you in a serious way.
15. Are you a pet lover? I am indifferent to them so let’s reign it back, dog-kisser.
16. I judge the shit out of strangers for no reason other than entertainment because I am a monster. It would be cool if you did too because it’s very fun.
17. Sitting on the beach is preferable to long walks. I tire easily and sand is annoying.
18. I drink too much sometimes.
19. There are stretches of time where brushing my teeth is not a priority. Related, I am cool without a shower for at least 1.5 days.
20. If we meet my friends, I will not introduce you properly so get ready to introduce yourself.
21. I have been known to get very jealous.
22. We live in a world of text messaging, but don’t freak out if I don’t answer if I am out. I sometimes willfully ignore them, sometimes I leave my phone in the car.
23. If we’ve drank too much, I can drunk drive pretty well/am not afraid to die (I’m actually terrified of dying).
24. Mini-golf, bowling, arcade games, doesn’t matter. I am competitive and will never, ever consider letting you win. I don’t care how out of my league you are.
25. I’ve lied to self-preserve. But I try hard not to anymore.
26. I enjoy pornography about as much as most gentlemen. Maybe a bit more.
27. If you sincerely use “Facebook official” “lol” or “OMG” in conversation, I doubt this is going to work out.
28. With enough time, I can set up some spectacular dates.
29. I have set foot in a strip club once. It was surreal.
30. Feminism is cool with me.
31. There will be times I choose friends over you because they are fun to be around and it’s hard to see them all the time.
32. Mama’s boy? Probably. The rest of my family is pretty OK too.
33. Spiders do not strike fear in my heart. I got this.
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I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.