I don’t think you understand how much you destroyed me. In bed, when I would see your body start to stiffen at my touch, I would pretend not to notice while laying there and wanting to disappear. And when you would start to call me less and less, I would still fall asleep with the phone by my bed in case you decided that you loved me again and wanted to talk. I don’t think you understand how pathetic you made me feel.
You weren’t supposed to know the extent of how badly you hurt me. It was a secret I hid quite well. Even when you broke up with me, I tried to display some semblance of control so I could show you that you did not win. What a lie. You won. You won for months. Every day, you would win and own my feelings. You had no clue.
It’s all a game we play. You’re not supposed to know how much power you had over me. You’re not supposed to how much I thought about you, how often I thought about what were you doing, how often you reduced me to tears. If you did know, it would make me tragic AND dumped, which was too much for my pride to bear.
I wanted to tell you so many times. I wanted to tell you how insane you made me feel, how much you had taken over my life but I just couldn’t. I had to be the only one who knew. I couldn’t bring myself to give you insight into my crazy thought processes because I still wanted you to think of me as cute, nice, and normal—the boy you initially fell in love with. If you understood the depths of my devastation, your perception of me might’ve changed for the worse.
Well, screw that. You need to know just how badly you broke my heart. I don’t feel like sparing your feelings anymore and preserving this false image of myself. You’re never coming back so why don’t I just let it all hang out? YOUR REJECTION MADE ME TEMPORARILY GO INSANE. There. I said it. You did that to me. Not attractive, right? I don’t care. If i had told you this sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much time mourning our relationship. Maybe if I had told you how hurt I was, I would finally start feeling okay again. Maybe.
I’m so tired of not being honest about my feelings. It just made everything so much worse. So here you go, here’s my confession. You made someone go insane with grief and that someone was me. You broke my heart. SURPRISE!